Do you ever just find new ways to procrastinate? I am, by nature, quite a restless person, so I always find things to do instead of the stuff I need to do. I used to think it might be a case of self-sabotage, but I think that it’s really more of a simple matter of being dumb with time and brain matter.
It’s the middle of August, almost exactly, and it’s strange to think how much of the things I didn’t have that I lost to this, frankly, fucking stupid time. I know that there are worse things, and that I’m lucky enough to a) have some form of income going (even though most of it has been peso-based and hard to live on in the U.K.), b) be helped out by my family, who I obviously love and miss and adore and, it seems, won’t see for a while. It’s just endlessly frustrating to somehow be even further back from where you started, even though you have been working double time. NUTS.
But still, small mercies.
The only thing left to do for me is to keep doing what I’m doing. It seems wildly unfair, and I keep wishing for a do-over. To tell you the truth, I don’t think I’m done here yet, even though my self-imposed deadline of moving back is loooooooming. I’m technically allowed to stay here for a while on my visa, but the question is if I can afford to be here. It feels like this year has stolen so much from me, and it sucks when I’m left to my own devices and am sort of forced to think about this shitty time. And yet, I know that some people have it way, way worse. And I completely commiserate. And it makes me feel worse for feeling bad in the first place.
A few months ago, I whined (lol) to my dad about feeling like all my plans have been scrapped, my life upended — just a complete directionless journey on a boat without a rudder. Because he is a much better person than I am, he just said, “Lahat naman.” I knew that, but I needed to be reminded over and over again how much other people, how much all of us have lost to this untameable thing.
I hope you are all keeping safe. I am trying my best, in all the ways I can, even though sometimes it doesn’t seem like it’s enough.
I think I’d like to start writing again. Maybe it’ll help me process these feelings more. I keep thinking about things I am missing out on, but I remember that the world is in the same boat, and it feels like we are all sinking.