Yesterday, I met up with Bea and we were both talking about how much we missed reading blogs and writing in our own blogs (lol) and about how what we enjoy most is when people get sort of unscripted and somewhat personal in theirs. Following my last post, which was another one of these life update things, I thought I ought to write something “substantial” (whatever that means) that wasn’t another one of these wala lang posts. But then, it was like, “Well, what’s wrong with just writing these things?” Nothing, that’s what. I have nothing to prove. Nothing with this blog, anyway. (Silent lol.) So here we go.

(I’ve been thinking, for example, of writing lots and lots and lots of exhibition posts because I have lots and lots and lots of pictures. But here we are. You get my navel-gazing instead. Lucky.)

So, I made it! I’m back in London. Two days after I’d written the last post, I got my endorsement from the Arts Council (which was surprising but also what I’d hoped for) and then I flew to Manila shortly thereafter to file stage two of the visa application. Yes, it’s An Ordeal. Yes, I’m very grateful that I am even able to think of this route as a possibility. Anyway, I got my visa application approved shortly after filing. And then I spent the last remaining weeks I had allotted for waiting just enjoying the company of my family and friends. Schmoopy way to say that I enjoyed my holiday, but I’m in a mood.

Anyway, so I’m back here and I’m trying to get a handle on things again. I tend to take a while to acclimate back to my routines when I take a break to go home, but I’m uh… trusting in the process. I have sent out a very large handful of job applications, and I am trying to get back into studio life. It’s… really hard, lol. But I am still in that place where I think it will be worth it. I’m probably going to go in and out of this state in the next couple of months, so I’ll be bracing myself.

Truthfully, I am equal parts terrified and excited, but as is my natural tendency… I am not quite in the place where I am willing to really feel the excitement of possibility. I don’t ever think that I have something until I have it, if that makes sense. (It probably doesn’t.) So, I think maybe that has been affecting my ability to properly go about my life. Even though I have taken fairly productive steps in the looking for a career department, I have also spent a huge amount of time watching the telly and… playing games.

(In a moment of weakness, I got myself a Nintendo Switch that was on a Black Friday promotion. I am considering it either a birthday present or a Christmas treat. But we all know it’s an attempt at crisis aversion.) It’s been fun. I’m trying to not let it consume me, and I’ve introduced some gaming aspects into my life, making deals such as: if I send out at least 15 job applications, I can get Fire Emblem: Three Houses.

(It is a very good game. I sent out 17 applications before caving. I’ve received one rejection already. Swift and harsh, but better than withering in wait.)

Other than that, elections are giving me second-hand anxiety. I’ve usually coped with this by thinking that everywhere in the world is bad, but rather than give me a boost of assurance, it has proven to make me want to stay in bed and entertain the dread. I have, however, not been doing that. Here’s to trying very, very hard to be optimistic, and I hope that when we see one another on the other side, it’s not going to be a place that is completely doomed.