In the introduction to his novel, “Mother Night,” Kurt Vonnegut wrote We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. I was first introduced to this by Megan McCafferty’s “Second Helpings,” and while I always thought of this as a cautionary tale, a call for us to take care to ‘pretend better,’ I realize now that I may have missed Vonnegut’s point entirely.

I went through a number of phases growing up, all of them different versions of ‘fitting in.’ When I was a freshman in high school, I assumed a completely different personality, one that immediately calls attention to myself as someone who was “different.”

I wasn’t like many of my schoolmates who cared too much about looks, and too little about learning. I didn’t mind lying on the grass, or looking silly, or being alone in public. I was different, sure, but I still wasn’t me. I was caught under the illusion that I was being who I was, not caring about what others thought of me, but the truth was that I did care. In fact, I cared so much, I created this whole other person—a supposedly better version of myself—that I could be.

That was a completely stupid way to live. Always considering the opinions of other people, not to mention failing, is taxing. Of course, I still do it all the time. Will this person like me better if I do this, if I say this, if I act in this way, if I say yes? So many unnecessary questions that coalesce in my brain, coming together to form something that, ultimately, matters very little.

Kurt Cobain said, “Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” I think he was onto something. Embrace who you are, because you’re going to be stuck with that person until the day that you die. Don’t make yourself into somebody you will hate, because at the end of everything, the person who will care the most about how you lived and what kind of person you turned out to be is yourself.

The world is rife with so much pretension. I like to quote a part from High Fidelity a lot: “What really matters is what you like, not what you are like. Books, records, films, these things matter. Call me shallow. It’s the fucking truth.” While I do agree on some degree (and I still think it is one of the best assessments of modern society), I think I’ve come to realize that other things matter in the long run.

These days, it seems like the only way to judge a person anymore is by looking at what they listen to, and the books that they like. It’s so easy to construct a ‘personality’ when you choose all the right books and all the right films and all the right artists, but these things tell you nothing about a person, at their core. The things people consume tell you the level of their comprehension, the kind of things they like to hear, what kind of stories they like knowing about. They don’t really say anything about a person’s character: how they will act in the face of danger, how selfless they are, what kind of people they have grown up to be.

“At three, I wanted to be a cook. At five, I wanted to be Napoleon. My ambition has been growing ever since, and now my ambition is to become Salvador Dali, nothing else. It is, nevertheless, very difficult, because the closer I come to Salvador Dali, the farther away from me he goes.” — Salvador Dali

Why are we so apologetic about who we are? Why are we so scared of being judged? Yes, criticism is painful sometimes, especially if it hits us in places that we are most sensitive about, especially if it’s being said by someone who means the world to us. But why hide who you are? I don’t think altering our character just to avoid hurtful words from other people is worth wearing all these masks.

I think that that’s why people never really say what they mean anymore. There’s a certain degree of paranoia that has whitewashed over everything, because we are suspicious of ulterior motives, and we are always on the look-out for insincerity. The only people who aren’t afraid of other people’s cruel intentions are people who are still sincere, and I think that those people are very hard to come by these days.

This isn’t to say that we should stop trying to be better people. My point is that living our lives, for other people, for the sake of being “different,” for some sort of acceptance, at the expense of our happiness, is stupid. What I’m saying is that it’s OK to be who we really are. It’s inevitable to run into people who will heckle and judge and talk behind our backs, but who cares?

I was bullied in the fifth grade, trying to please people who made me miserable everyday, and while I thought about what they must have thought of me at the time, I couldn’t really care less right now. I don’t even speak to those people anymore, and I think about the time I have wasted, being pushed into doing things I didn’t want to, and having so much unnecessary drama that I frankly could have lived without. Dr. Seuss wrote, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind,” and I’m taking his word for it.

J.K. Rowling’s Harvard Commencement is called “The Fringe Benefits of Failure” and she talks about stripping away of the inessential, of doing away with things that don’t matter to make space for the things that do. I hold on to a lot of things, and I still cultivate ideas that people have of me that aren’t true anymore, but I still try to live up to. And I realized that to move forward, I had to get rid of a lot of things.

“I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity.” — J.K. Rowling

I had to strip away the inessential and stop pretending to be someone I was not. I think that that is what Kurt Vonnegut was ultimately trying to warn us about. We are, to other people, whatever we pretend to be. But what I’m hoping is that, little by little, I learn how to stop pretending and start actually being who I am.

excerpt from Mikael Co’s “As Courage, To Camus.” Click the photo to get to the entire poem.

It doesn’t take much to make me happy. I think the past entries have been proof of that. My idea of a picker-upper is a Harry Potter marathon and flavor-blasted Goldfish crackers. I mean, the problems obviously don’t go away, but at least these simple things make me feel a little bit better about my misfortunes.

I don’t have a lot of unfortunate events happen to me recently (thank you, Lord), but still, little things have wormed their way into my heart and cheered me up! One of my favorite things in life is getting packages in the mail. Doesn’t really matter much what they are, I just like getting them. In this case, though, I had been waiting for this package for eons, and my heart nearly jumped out of my chest when I saw the notice for two parcels stuck at the post office.

Definitely was what I thought it would be.

I finally got the first two installments of my Field Notes Subscription! <3 Armando first introduced me to Field Notes by sending me a 3-pack and I fell in instant love. Because I’m a sucker for stuff like this. And, well, I do go through notebooks fairly quickly, so even though the price is probably a little steep for other people, I knew I would be putting these babies to good use.

My loot! Opening the package honestly felt a lot like Christmas.
They added a lot of awesome things like pens, a sticker, and rubber bands.
Yes, only a dork like me would be excited by rubber bands, but. Well, leave me alone, they were pretty!

County Fair Editions! I got New York (because it’s my favorite state)
and Alaska, because of “Looking for Alaska” because I am a dork.

Square pinback button!

Pinback button!

Packet of Sunshine! It came with Marigold seeds. :)

And the grid inside was yellow. So pretty!

No, Field Notes, thank you for making quality paper products
that are both functional and aesthetically pleasing! I’m definitely a happy customer.

I can’t wait to use them!

This blog is Looking For Alaska’d Out, I know, but its author, John Green, is brilliant in so many other different ways. Lately, I’ve been thinking about the importance of cohesion and unity and meaning in created works, and how a lot of my writing has been thoroughly insubstantial. I say this with an earnestness and a modesty that I hope will not be taken as me fishing for compliments.

The truth is that, when I began really thinking about being a writer, it was because of fiction. And now, after being a fellow for a Heights workshop two (three?) years ago, I have turned up with nothing to show for it. When people assume that my Biggest Life Dream is to be a designer, I politely correct them and say that what I really want to be is a novelist. I still want that, and I’m more than a little bit ashamed that I haven’t been doing anything about it.

I think I might have frozen up a little bit, and maybe I’d become a little paralyzed by the thought of potentially writing something awful or shallow or empty. And then, through the course of this stagnation, I’ve forgotten how to try.

The point of this entry is that, while randomly watching John Green’s latest update on the vlog channel he shares with his brother, Hank, this wonderful man gave me the jolt that I needed, I think. And with his parting words, the pressure has been lifted off of me, to come up with something beautiful or harrowing or life-changing, replacing it with the desire to create something true.

And then, I’m left beginning to think that, maybe, I’m ready to write stories again.

“There used to be a barn in this field, a barn where I first told a girl I loved her, and where I spent my first all-nighter studying world history by flashlight while drinking astonishingly bad wine. Emily Dickinson wrote that success is counted sweetest by those who ne’er succeed, and so, too, youth is counted sweetest by those who are no longer young.

Nostalgia is inevitably a yearning for a past that never existed, and when I’m writing, there are no bees to sting me out of my sentimentality.

For me, at least, fiction is the only way I can even begin to twist my lying memories into something true.” — John Green

I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but recently I’ve been finding it way hard to find things to write about, and to write about them well. Not even Charles Bukowski’s “so you want to be a writer?” is enough to rouse me this time. Or so I’ve been telling myself.

Here’s something taken from an entry written by John Green (author of “Looking for Alaska,” etc) way back in 2003:

Q: [...] So would you say that it’s writers’ block?

A. I don’t believe in writers’ block. Writers’ block is just a kind of not trying. Do you ever hear roofers complain about roofers’ block? Writers invented writers’ block because it allows us to sound tortured and important without actually having to write anything that might reflect our torture and/or importance. I’m just not trying hard enough. Also, I’ve been sort of sad in a way that isn’t really conducive to work.

That’s it, I guess. The brunt of it. What it all comes down to. The real reason why my writer-ly career is akin to a fish floundering on the side of the road. I’m just not trying hard enough.

I’m taking slow and puny steps to be The Writer That I Want To Be. The kind of writer that I’ve always wanted to be ever since I was little. (When I was five, though, I wanted to be a teacher. I still kind of do. But for things like Doctor Who or art history or poor man’s — aka, my own flawed understanding of — philosophy.) For starters, I’ve “fixed” some parts of my writing portfolio. And, tomorrow, I’m going to be working for a publication.

I think those might be pretty good steps for now.

Ministry Work (and Wood Textures)

I don’t get to do a lot of ministry work anymore, so when someone contacted me to design something for CCF, I got excited. After a bit of bumps, I was able to layout a few pages and I made a cover for the materials. This isn’t the final design, though, but I’m posting it because I’m kinda liking the pretty lightbulb (c/o Jeanine Garcia!) with that wood texture.

 
Television: Watching and Writing About It
Currently spazzing over LOST and a few comedies (e.g. Community, Modern Family, Parks & Recreation). Also getting into animated series (e.g. Ugly Americans, Archer) and this HBO series called How To Make It In America. I know, I’m a little bit crazy but I really can’t say ‘no’ to good T.V.! Sometimes, I can’t even say it to bad T.V. but that’s beside the point.

However, I still do love my old favorites, so I wrote a piece on New Slang about Jordan Catalano and Brian Krakow. Please read it, if you please!

 
Blue Roast
To be honest, the whole thing kind of felt a little exclusive (as in… excluding a lot of us, LOL. Just kidding. But I felt a little alienated is all, I guess), but I was with great people, and there was great music, and there were great films. So more or less, I had an O.K. time. :)

Making a Blue Roast video… Or trying to. Stay tuned for it!

 
Sribbler Too!

I already posted one over here, but it’s so fun to use to write or draw with. Try it!

 
Gifts!
My friend Carla found this little gem and gave it to me. I was super happy because I’ve never seen a license plate with my name on it (I usually end up getting ‘Samantha,’ which is my second name). So, thanks, Carla! I really love it so much, I could cry.