For the past few months that I’ve been unemployed, I’ve been working on design odd jobs here and there, but I was also in the middle of making this portfolio. I finally had to hustle and finish making it by yesterday afternoon, because I had to send it to a publishing house in San Francisco. It’s been a sort-of secret (I’ve only told a few friends… and a few acquaintances when I run out of Small Talk Topics), but I’m trying to apply for a publishing design fellowship.

I almost actually chickened out and bailed on it, because it was so hard to concentrate on finishing the portfolio. Also, because of the compounding paranoia creeping up on me, as it is wont to do. I’m probably not good enough for this, I would think. Why would they pick me? I think that’s also why it took me so long to finish it on time. If I didn’t finish it, I would have nothing to send, and I wouldn’t have opened up this whole range of possibilities for rejection.

A lot of things helped me through it. Friends coached me on particularly hard days. Other friends cheered me up on particularly hopeless/helpless ones. Other friends’ successes motivated me to pursue my own. A lot of books, snippets, essays and words of wisdom really helped me out, but when my time was running out and I felt like I was losing this fight, I was in the middle of Norton Juster’s “The Phantom Tollbooth.” I end this post with a few quotes from the book:

• “‘You see,’ he went on, ‘it’s very much like your trying to reach Infinity. You know it’s there, but you just don’t know where—but just because you can never reach it doesn’t mean it’s not worth looking for.”
• “So many things are possible just as long as you don’t know they are impossible.”
• “It’s learning what to do with what you learn and learning why you learn things at all that matter.”
• “But you had the courage to try; and what you can do is often simply a matter of what you will do.”

I haven’t a lot more to add. I just hope that those excerpts help out someone who’s going through similar situations. I’ve been thinking about this, and right after I dropped the package of at FedEx, my mind went crazy. What if I don’t get it? But then I thought—what if I do? I’m not going to lie and say that I won’t be devastated if I don’t get picked, because I truly will be. This is something that I’ve been wanting for a while… but I feel really good that I did at least try.

And now, I’m going to wait and hope for the best.

I’d been looking for alternative books to deconstruct (much like these), because I couldn’t find any of the patterned ones I usually used anymore. So, I got this copy of The Science Year from 1967 for Php 35 (less than a dollar), and surprise, surprise—I could not do it. It’s just a really nice book. It has colored photos and a 3D-enabled page with a cellophane-y insert. I’m hoping I find another copy, because I think it would really be a great book to mount on a wall and play around with, but I love it too much right now to cut, poke, or prod it.

In the wake of The White Stripes’ sudden break-up, I snooped around my brother’s room and carefully pored over his Under the Great White Northern Lights special edition box set, particularly gravitating towards the book of photographs that Autumn de Wilde carefully composed, documenting their life on tour in 2007. It’s on sale on Amazon right now, for a super marked down price, so go get it if you can! It’s absolutely beautiful.

(I have yet to purchase her book of photographs of Elliott Smith, called… Elliott Smith, but it’s been on my list.)

It reminded me of this other book of tour photos taken by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ Nick Zinner called I Hope You Are All Happy Now, which was what eventually would push me to actively photograph and document most of my early college life. I’ve also always been a fan of tour photos on the explosions in the sky website. I think those best capture what I wanted to go for with my photographs.

I’ve always had issues with being called a photographer… I think that’s largely why I stopped obsessively taking pictures. I just really wanted to kind of take photos of my day, and being called a photographer really made me anxious about this great room for failure that came with that label. Because I know nothing about the technicalities of photography. I really could not give a frak about aperture and settings. I rely a lot on “feeling out” the alchemy of light and space, so whenever someone talks to me about photography, I panic.

But that’s another story. Leafing through these pages again, I’m reminded of why I fell in love with photography in the first place. So, in remembrance and as a sort of tangential tribute to these people, I made a short book thing of a made-up band. I hope you enjoy. :)

You can view and download it here.

I was going to add text, but then I got lazy. Please, please, please enjoy it. (I COMMAND YOU. TO ENJOY IT.) And while you’re at it, please listen to this song.

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I hope it looks somewhat like a tour? And I hope someday I can tag along someone who is on tour. Cough, Marvin, cough.

If it isn’t already obvious, I’d just like to point out how my life has been (sort of) resembling shambles lately. I’m not going to go into the details—that’s what LiveJournal is for—but I will say this: making things has been a pretty good remedy for quarter-life panic. There’s something about it that really calms me down. I’m working on the painting (it’s going well, but I can’t find the time to really get into it) and a bit of other things, but for an upcoming group exhibit, this is what I am working on:

I’m pretty excited about how it’s going to turn out.

Another thing I have always thought of making, I finally got around to actually putting together tonight. I was going to go with a few friends to Rockeoke, but felt guilty about ditching work. So, I did the responsible thing and stayed behind to do some work. The Internet started acting up by around 6PM, though, and finally died by half past eight. I really, really got upset, but I didn’t have a social network to whine to, given the death of my internet connetcion, so I decided to try and actually start on my chapbook.

LOL. I bet you’re sick of seeing that darned deer.

It doesn’t have all of the stories I want to put in it, not even all of the ones in the fake table of contents, but I just wanted to try out the technique and see if producing a small print run was feasible. I think the size (4.25″ x 5.5″) might be a little small, but it’s a nice fun size, so we’ll see. Maybe if I have enough material for one that can handle the perfect bind.

Cutting. This is just a working title/placeholder. Also, it is a brilliantly sad song.

This story needs editing, but it’s got some of my favorite sentences.

Teaching myself how to use Masters, etc. This is a fake table of contents. Obviously.

Trimming the edges.

A few things that I’ve realized:

• I need a pen tablet. The fact that mine died a few months ago is upsetting to me. I never realized how crippling it was to live without one, once it’s become such an integral part of one’s process. But I digress.
• I need a heavy-duty paper cutter.
• I need an awl.
• I need good paper, waxed string, etc.
• I really, really like making books. This is actually more of a reinforced idea than a realization, but whatever.

And, you know, it sounds like so much work, trying to figure out Masters for InDesign pages, and printer settings, and margins and packaging contents, et cetera, et cetera, but it has, so far, worked best at calming me down.

Can’t call my day wasted, though, because I worked on my new Etsy shop, the astronomical light.

So far, I only have a few items up, but I’m still thinking of more things I could possibly sell. Recently spoke with my parents about how important it is (at least, personally) to be able to sell something you’ve made. Not because of the money, necessarily, because I obviously can’t live off selling pinback buttons on the Internet. Not for the money, but for that certain affirmation that someone believes in your work so much, they’d actually spend money on it.

I’m looking into screenprinted prints, tote bags, shirts (maybe?), notebooks, actual books, and maybe postcards. Someone suggested book-themed sets of pinback buttons, and while I do (personally) love the idea, I don’t know if I want to be known as Pinback Button Girl.

Anyway, wish me luck! I’m going to spend the rest of tonight drafting articles and finishing up some deliverables for some clients I have as a freelancer, or sketch a design I’m working on for this NGO called “A-HA! Learning Center” that my friend, Jaton, started with his sister.

Oh, also one bit of important news: I am no longer unemployed!

INSERT VICTORIOUS SMILE HERE. We’ll see how it goes, so more on that when I actually start working (which will be on Monday). :)

More photos under the cut. Continue reading When Life Gives You Lemons….

So, I’ve been toying with the idea of selling stuff I make online. I’ve been working on some badges/buttons (like the ones I used for my thesis, but also another new ‘set’ that, in my humble opinion, is pretty exciting), since people seem to love those. But then, I’m thinking of making some prints as well.

These are A5 in size (or half of A4) and 3/4 are references of things dear to my heart.

Yes/No? What do you think? Should I make more or should I just stick to my day job? (LOLJK, I don’t have a dayjob.) Let me know what you think, please. I’d really appreciate it.

Suggestions (of what else to make—as in, shirts, tote bags, etc?) are also most welcome.

Love,
Carina

P.S. Sorry for the stupid title. I haven’t even read that play.