I have successfully accomplished 4 out of 10 January Goals, which seems pretty pitiful, I guess.

Here are my February goals, with some of January’s goals carried over:

• Read 7 books
• Exercise 3 times a week
• Save 50% of paycheck
• Revive Maybe Very Happy
• Organization
        — Workspace
        — Room (Spring Cleaning)
• Start working on an exhibit for June
• Do branding for shop
• Work on online portfolio (Funnily enough, I did this in January)
        — Design business cards. Print them.
• Get better at film photography
        — Get the Nikon FM-2 fixed

I like doing monthly goals because I get to fine-tune my “progress” during the year. I know it’s kind of a dorky thing to do, but I like having a way to steer me towards the person I want to be. Or at least, some kind of accountability for my own goals.

Hong Kong Disneyland: October 2011

Sometimes I don’t use up all the film I have in my camera, so when I have them processed, they’re a jumble of adventures and mishaps. It’s fun looking through them, especially when enough time has passed between the events. I took a Sproket snapshot of The National’s Singapore show, but it must have been too dark (even with the flash), that I won’t even post the outcome. I wish I took more shots. Oh well, lesson learned.

Manila, Philippines: December 2011

I’ve come to realize that a) I don’t really like Lomography film (except for the X-Pro Chrome and Tungsten variants), b) I’m not very good at film photography, and c) I need to learn how to read light.

Manila, Philippines x Mayoyao, Ifugao, Philippines: December 2011 x January 2012

It’s hard to make film photographs not come off as snapshotty. I guess that’s my main goal, after everything. It’s funny, but usually, when I’m not good at something, I drop it like a hot potato. It’s not a trait that I’m particularly proud of, but there you go. Funnily enough, this particular failure has made me very persistent. I won’t quit until I get good enough at it, or if I run out of money, spending it on seemingly frivolous things like film (read: things that are expensive that I don’t even earn from).

Stick; Manila, Philippines: December 2011

Hong Kong Disneyland: October 2011

Click for Other Photos

X-Pro Chrome

Got these prints today. They suck. I have to get better~ at taking film pictures. One, because I like it a lot, and two, because I think it’s a good skill to have (knowing proper techniques, etc). Truthfully, I was way better when I started out, although I used to use a Nikon FM-2. It’s broken now, so I’ve been using a Nikon FE. I’ll have the FM-2 fixed one of these days.

Lomography Tungsten

X-Pro Chrome

If you haven’t seen the video it is here:

More Pictures of this Tungsten mess

This year, I have decided not to make any resolutions, partly because I don’t follow them anyway. Rather, I thought about what my 2011 had been and thought about what I had learned and experienced, and how I could make my 2012 better. So, instead, I have GOALS.

My head is a muddle right now, so I don’t feel very comfortable sharing my big, long-term goals. I also believe in keeping some things secrets for the time being. Anyway, I’m copying an LJ friend who had been doing a monthly goals type of thing for a few years now.

Doing Monthly Goals instead of Yearly Resolutions is helpful because it gives you a chance to review your progress more closely and also to regroup after each month. Big, yearly resolutions are harder to keep track of, but I think it’s good to have overarching goals each year, to kind of direct you towards specific choices. Arriane actually does annual thematic overhauls, which I think is super interesting, but a little intimidating and overwhelming for a first timer like me. Maybe next year.

As for myself, here are my JANUARY GOALS:

• Read 7 books.
• Go on the treadmill at least 3 times a week. (I’ll explain later.)
• Get two big projects. YAY.
• Work six hours a day, five days a week. (Or a total of thirty hours a week.)
• Save 50% of each paycheck.
• Write down all expenses. Begin accounting.
• Mail out all pending packages.
• Fix/fine-tune Recovery.
• Writing project with Liana.
• Maybe revive Maybe Very Happy.

The previous week was pretty confusing to me, as a person, just because so many, widely variable things happened in a short span of time. I didn’t really get to process things very well either.

(I am not very good at this.)

In any case, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and while I haven’t really reached any definite sort of conclusion about anything—aside from I absolutely cannot dance and I like staying home and Sometimes you only realize you miss people when they are gone—I think I’ve reached, at least, leanings towards conclusions. Steps nearer them, anyway.

For example: I have learned that I do want to write, and make art, and step a tiny bit away from design, unless it’s something I believe in, or it’s something that is challenging, or fulfilling. Or if it facilitates growth. Often, my problem with designing has been that it doesn’t really make me want to do more of whatever it is I am doing. There have been some hits, but I think it mostly happens when I’m allowed to go about the project in my own way.

Chuck Close once said that inspiration is for amateurs, but I like being inspired by the work that I do, that’s all.

So, onto the pictures. I don’t have any pictures from the wake or the funeral, except for the ones I took with other people’s cameras, so let me tell you other stories instead. Last Tuesday, I had my first solo exhibit. It was exhilarating and scary and quite honestly, I get anxious whenever I think about it. Thankfully, a lot of people got to share this moment with me. I have this strange complex where I refrain from inviting people to things like this (also: birthdays) because of something that happened when I turned 7, but I am getting better at it. Thank you to everyone who took time and made the effort to trek all the way to our gallery. It meant a lot to me.

Except for this nonsense. (!)

CURSE YOUR SUDDEN BUT INEVITABLE BETRAYAL.

Then there was this party for Rogue’s 50th issue. There was no actual dancing involved, at least in our little group. I honestly think the Internet has spoiled me in terms of getting to know people. I don’t know if these things are constructed to be both a celebration and a networking opportunity, but if it is, I definitely failed at it.

We went to Draft, just a few skips away (we saw a giant rat the size of a tiny cat scurrying down the sidewalk) and had good conversation, which I think I am at least better at than Big Group Socializing.

Reading & Technology > Partying. Only because I don’t know how to do the latter properly. What do you do? I think we are watching a YouTube video here of some visual atrocity that is not to be named or linked. Unrelated: I often think about whether or not having 3G is actually good for me. Usually, the answer is yes, Carina, it is good for you.

Face Twins.

And then we had a Crack O’ Dawn Snack (i.e. Keema and Kababs), laughing at exposed buttcracks because we are mature.

So much has happened these past few days. I put up my own show, which was both gratifying and encouraging. I’ve been turning down heavy design jobs to consciously concentrate on making art. I still say yes to small projects, though as I’ve been running out of time but also having the time of my life. At least, in that aspect. Thank you to everyone who’s been supportive and, well, nice about my work. Warms the heart, it really does.

Lately, the difficulties of happily living a life in the way that I would like to have presented themselves to me, and in moments of blind panic, I just really shut down. It’s always dumb and irresponsible, but I am a wallower, so I wallow. I don’t want to be anymore, though. I used to think that there were situations that I absolutely couldn’t rise above and so, despite claiming to be a never give-upper, I have thrown the towel in countless times and pitied myself and I reveled in my sadness and lameness. I felt sorry for myself, and looking back, I honestly feel ashamed that I indulged in caring too much. I feel ashamed that I decided to not do anything about any of these things and just gave in to my melodramatic, despairing heart.

A lot of other things have happened, too.

My mom’s brother, Tito Dennis, passed away last Sunday. It wasn’t sudden, because the condition of his health wasn’t really a secret. But, Tara Maclay, in “The Body,” said of her mother’s death, “It’s always sudden.” It’s always going to be too soon.

More than mourning for his passing, I am sorry that I never made it a point to get to know him. We went to a couple of memorial services and it was so moving to hear how much of a great teacher, friend and colleague he was (he’s the Director of Computer Science and IT in Asia Pacific College). People loved him there. He was, in their words, a visionary.

It felt really sad to me that I couldn’t say anything much more than “he was always so nice to me” or “his smile always lit up the room” or “he loved his cars so much.” I’ll always be sorry that I never really got to know that side of him that people got to cherish. I don’t have a strong, particular memory with my uncle, and this makes me so sad.

I also feel ashamed that I have invested in people that shouldn’t really matter, but never got to know those who do. I have so many cousins and I never really got to know them as anything more than that. We don’t graduate from small talk, and this new, strange part of me really wants to be there for my family.

In any case, I’m glad that there are so many people who loved him while he was still here. I just hope he knew, in whatever little way I could express, that I loved him, too.