In which we talk about goals.

Now, there are many types of goals. I, for one, have a variety of them, falling into a variety of categories including health, organization and personal growth. But I suppose being a recent graduate, what seems pressing to me are the goals that fall under the career variety. Having graduated in March, a lot of my schoolmates are now in more-or-less stable jobs, and some are in careers that they more-or-less like.

I took a job in May, found out, quite unfortunately, that it wasn’t the path that I wanted to take… and I quit it a month after. Kind of a sucky story to tell, but it must be told. Now, to avoid similar career blunders that I foresee in my future, I’ve been trying to narrow down my “action points,” choosing to concentrate on the ones that will lead me to the things I most want to be.

Which brings us to the first step…

ONE: Outline Your Goals. The simple task of listing down major goals is a big help. Personally, I feel like something is way weightier if I commit to it, and write it down on paper, instead of having it float around in my head. For this blog post’s intents and purposes, my goals involve a) Being a Writer, b) Being a Designer (Also), c) Working Primarily From Home, d) Learning How To Paint, and e) Selling Stuff. Learning How To Paint seems a little out of place in this list, but I suppose I put it down so that it would seem more urgent. I find that writing stuff down really works better than thinking about them, no matter how well-meaning the intent is. Ink on paper is a glaring reminder, whereas fleeting thoughts are not.

TWO: Produce Attainable Steps For Each Goal. Brainstorm and write all of the tiny steps you could take that you think will eventually lead up to the attainment of your big goal. Just write down whatever you can think of, that will help you achieve said goal. For this example, I used goal a) Be a Writer, and have outlined the following steps.

The possibilities are basically endless (unless you run out of them LOLJK), so list down everything you can think of that might help. If it turns out to be a bad idea, you can cross it out anytime, anyway.

And lastly, a bonus step involving…

See which goals go together. You might be able to kill birds with one stone. All the goals are related to goal c), for example. You can be a writer, a designer, a painter and a MERCHANT (I just wanted to use the word, sorry), while working at home. You can e) sell stuff that you d) paint. And so and so forth. This way, there is a quicker progression, and you end up really getting down to business. (Or something.)

My actual list is pretty scary and ambitious and I have weird-ass diagrams and lists and things. Maybe I can post that some time, when I’ve polished it. There are just so many things that I want to do, and too little of time and too little of me to go around. And then I end up really just wanting to do nothing, but feeling bad because I know in my heart that I want to be somebody great.

Is that lame? That’s kind of lame. But, it’s true. So, here’s an attempt at putting the more important goals first, and maybe actually getting them done.

While I am a firm believer in the age-old adage, “There’s something about Sunday night that makes you want to kill yourself,”¹ this Sunday night was pretty good. First, even though I had no money, I got some books from the Powerbooks sale:

“Perfect From Now On: How Indie Rock Saved My Life” by John Sellers (I have no idea what this is about.)
“The Collected Works of T.S. Spivet” by Reif Larsen (Mikka lent me her copy and I needed to have my own.)

“Akimbo and the Elephants” by Andrew McCall Smith
“The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao” by Junot Díaz
I peeked inside the second book and it is… pretty much amazing. I’m excited.

We also went to Nona Garcia’s house. Pretty sure I’m not allowed to post photos of the works (for the upcoming exhibit this week; troop down over to West Gallery, y’all), so here are nondescript photos of things around her house, and exhibit-y things up-close. Oh, and of her cute (but snobby) little dog, Jacob.

Also, got this on Friday, from the Meiday gig/Hato send-off over at The Collective.

Also, today, my sister and I got a session of IPL Hair Removal done. But there are obviously no photos of that. Unless you want to see my kili-kili… in which case, I will probably not show you, anyway.

———
¹ OK, not age-old… more like, from 1994, as articulated by Angela Chase. (back to top)

Since graduating, my life has pretty much been haphazard and disorganized, no matter how much I make it appear otherwise. Recently, I’ve been thinking about ways through which I can try and “hold the reins,” so to speak. Not a lot of changes, but then I suppose most things take a few tiny first steps before incredible things are expected to happen. Anyway, here are a few of my mostly organizational steps. Over the next few days, I will try to document and report (!) the steps I have been taking towards being less of a bum. The thought is at least already there, right?

• Cyan July Moleskine Daily Planner — I got the stupid idea to use a daily rainbow planner, which has resulted in several failures at organization. (Here are the ones for January – June.) I have since found a use for them, which is planning my day. It works because I get pressured to cross off things by a certain time. Sometimes, results are disastrous, though, and I don’t cross any items off at all.
• Field Notes notebook — for when I don’t want to bring big notebooks. That’s it, really.
• Dark Blue Moleskine Blank Cahier — for sketches! I draw raw sketches here, scan them and tweak on my Mac. Sometimes I just try to sketch out ideas for layouts, etc. This mostly stays at home.
• Large Muji Lined Notebook — I have drawn on this cover! (See below.) In lame lettering. This is mostly for notes and plans… I find that I process things I read better if I take down notes. I have been using 43Folders.com as a guide, for example, and it just translates better when I take notes.

As an extra organizational procedure, I caved in and bought myself an 18-month Moleskine Weekly Planner + Notes. I know this sounds like rationalizing and justifying a probably-indulgent purchase, but I really have been more productive ever since I got this planner. I have been using this format since freshman year of college, so I suppose that has something to do with that as well:

Okay, so I’ve been meaning to make a stronger portfolio… and I’m going to do that by actual reading up on design. Not to dis anyone, but I really felt like my formal education is lacking, in terms of preparing me to take on actual design jobs. Talent and skill can only get you so far, I think. So I’m going to try to learn stuff.

Currently concentrating on absorbing information from Ellen Lupton’s “Indie Publishing,” which I actually have had for a long time. I’ve only just browsed through some sections, though. I also hijacked my brother’s copy of Timothy Samara’s “Making and Breaking the Grid.” I think this will really be useful to me. And then, there’s magazines I can flip through for inspiration… or you know, to read when my brain needs a break.

And then I cleaned my Desktop, which still features Sara Frakking Quin, because she is an amazing human being:

Click for full size, Nosy McNoseface.

This post was actually laid out much better in my head. This is all probably just useless information for you, whoever you are, reading this. You’re lucky this is a series! The next one will be more insightful, I promise.

(It really did come off as a better post in my head, though. Apologies.)

P.S. One of my goals is to make five or so posts under this series. Fingers crossed and stuff. That I actually stick to this goal, and also that the posts will be useful and, at the least, make sense.

Saving the best for last.

The Daylight Series started out as a personal project of photographer (and one of my awesomest friends) Gabby Cantero. I’ve actually blogged about her here, when she was just starting one of her earlier projects, These Portraits.

Daylight is a super favorite among Gabby’s friends, friends of friends, and has been featured in a few places. The one happening this Saturday is pretty special, kind of bittersweet—it’d be pretty amazing to share this one with Gabby is what I’m saying. So, go, if you are so inclined. It doesn’t really matter if you don’t know anybody. Well, it’d be kinda awkward at first, probably.

But we’re friendly if you are, too. :)

(Poster is of Wanda, taken by Gabby as part of the series. Kris & I tinkered with it a little bit, and this is what happened. You can click on it to view a bigger size on Flickr.)

Dear Marvin,

This time tomorrow, you will be on a plane, on your way to a place that is approximately 7,295 miles away, and on your way to the possibility of a future that you were probably meant to live out. The past few months have been insane, and a part of it, I really have you to thank for. You used to just be this strange kid (freshman year, when we were all strange) who was a friend of a few friends. Then, you became this person I’d sometimes talk to whenever the AMP recital rolled around. Then, you were my Philo seatmate who never took down notes, and always said what you were thinking, regardless of what Mr. de Jesus (Miguel, now, I guess) or the rest of the class thought. Then, weirdly enough, you became one of the best people that I know.

I don’t even know how that happened, but I’m really, awfully glad that it did.

It seems unfair to me now that you are leaving so soon. It will be hundreds of days (weeks?) before I will even get to see you again, if I see you at all. I hope not. And another thing that I hope will never happen is that we stop talking, or become uncomfortable with each other that we forget how to. I hope we never reach that point when we just fade into people that we both used to know.

It gives me heavy boots (!) that you are going away, but I know it’s just something that you have to do for yourself and for your dreams. You’ve always dreamt big; thanks for teaching me that that’s okay. Thank you for teaching me that it’s okay to take big steps and giant leaps. That doing something you’re afraid of doing is hard, but rewarding, fulfilling and often essential. That it’s okay to be myself, and laugh at myself and make mistakes. That it’s okay to hope.

You’ve been so kind and non-judgmental, and patient. And you’ve always been there to listen to me, even though you’ve probably been tired most of the time (on account of you don’t really sleep), or have already heard my well-worn tirades on life, love and how much I hated working, countless times. You really have been one of the truest friends that I have ever been blessed with. Thank you so much, for everything. For courage, for understanding, for being a good friend to me (one of the best!) and for believing in me. We are going to miss you, so much, but we know that you’re going to go on and do great things. That’s just really what you were born to do.

God bless you, and I hope to see you, really, really soon.

Love,
Carina

P.S. LOLOLO.
P.P.S. We don’t have pictures together because I look like crap in all of them, but I’m sure you can still remember what I look like.
P.P.P.S. What about a teakettle?

Currently raining cats & dogs, except there aren’t really any cats & dogs, just the usage of a tired, old expression that everybody understands but no one really uses.

Kurt Vonnegut books I was planning on photoreplying to Zet’s Tumblr post.

A favorite passage from “Wonder Boys.”

I actually really like rainy days, especially if I don’t have to be anywhere. I can stay in, take a shower and jump right into pajama pants, and read and read and read. Today, my mother made beef stew for dinner. I’m excited.

What about you? Wet weather = yay or nay?

Kaloy Sanchez.

Frederick Sausa.

Michael Muñoz.

The shows were by Kaloy Sanchez, Frederick Sausa and Miguel Muñoz. I honestly can’t pick a favorite among the three. I’m super attracted to the aesthetic of Sausa’s work. It’s really the kind of look that I love, especially this one piece that was all wrapped up and ready for pick-up (sniff, sniff). You’ll see the photo later. I love the ideas behind Muñoz’ work, and obviously, the look is very striking and bold. Sanchez works for this show are mostly black-and-white, but his show is far from muted. The strokes are bold, and the resulting look is intense.

Obviously, I’ve lost a little bit of my ability to articulate these things in an art majorly manner, but I hope the photos speak for themselves.

M.m.’s calculator watch! Jealous.

(After my viewage of the exhibits, I had lunch with the parentals, M.m. Yu, and Nona Garcia in Omakase. The pictures I took of the food sucked, but the company was great and I left the restaurant as happy as a stuffed clam. Not that I know how happy stuffed clams get.)

Click for the actual photos. The pieces are quite lovely.

This is the piece I was talking about earlier. So pretty!

So, in case you had been wondering, I have actually been working on my painting right now. (“Which painting?” you ask. This one, n00b.) For some reason, a week ago, I got a silly idea in my head: “Carina, why don’t you go make a painting?” And here I am now.

It’s silly, because despite my bachelor’s degree and my “lineage,” I’m really not a very good art person, and I say this void of fake humility. No fishing, really. I’m a sort of… whatever-comes-to-me type of artist. No thinking or drafting or sketching. Until now, that is. I’ve been spending an average of three hours every day, trying to make this work, and over my despaired wailing, my parents and brother have been assuring me that that is what it is really supposed to look like at this stage.

So, what does Beatles Rockband have to do with this? Well, I am getting there. See, a couple of months ago, my brother purchased a limited edition Beatles Rockband set. I’m not really very good with video games, either, but as he is my brother and he was excited to play it, I relented and we played a few songs with my sister. Obviously, I had won the major suckage award, because I sucked, majorly. I would lower our rating so badly, I got the feeling that they would rather be a two-piece band (like The White Stripes, but an actual brother-sister band), but they just didn’t want to be mean.

The problem is that I kept on hitting the notes prematurely. I see a yellow beat, hit yellow early, and miss the opportunity. So, that’s what it has to do with painting, and life, in general, I guess. I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, “Carina, that’s kind of pushing the metaphor, isn’t it?” But it’s really not.

That’s the problem with me. I mean, I’m decent at most of the things I try (except public speaking and arts of the performing persuasion), so when something goes my way, I would milk it and go with it, until it does a disservice to me. In which case, I will drop it. I like trying new things (rushing into them, really), and I keep getting these ideas, but I let them fizzle out. Like, taking that editorial assistant job. I went to work the day after I got the call. I quit exactly a month later. Things Like That.

The thing is, I think I need to really spend some time trying to learn how to make this… art thing work. Or, I guess, in the broader context, my entire life. Because I just can’t bank on what I have, and not try to be better. Because, the painting is not going to look like the picture, unless I spend time on it and be careful with it. Because my life is not going to go anywhere, if I don’t take the right opportunities, or wait until my timing is right. Because, I can’t keep on hitting the yellow beat, before I should.

(See, I told you it would get somewhere.)

Anyway, here is something like a time lapse of the work I have done today. I’ve been coloring outside the lines (accidentally), but my mother has assured me. “That’s OK,” she said. “You have about five more layers to go.”

And then I suffered an imaginary aneurysm and wrote this post.

I don’t know if this ties in with the whole “message of the post,” and frankly, I cannot be bothered to think it through, past midnight with a sinus infection, but in the words of The Album Leaf, poignantly: One Day, I’ll Be On Time.

Here are some of the things that I have done today:

1. Stuff my face with food and muddy, burnt coffee that my parents and brother left me.
2. Watch the last two episodes of How to Make it in America
3. Answered some e-mails.
4. Cleaned my RSS feeds! Kind of. I just marked most of them as read. Heh.
5. Internet shenanigans.

In the middle of this entry, my sister got back from school. But she is reading Plato now, so I don’t think I am allowed to bother her.

So, I am did a little bit of reading myself.
Caveat Lector: Dirty feet ahead.

(Currently: Michael Chabon’s “Wonder Boys.” According to my reading schedule,
I should finish it by today. But it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.)

But then I got tired and hungry.

So, I guess I should just take a nap and plan for greatness when I wake up.

What do you do when you are alone? I honestly don’t know how to deal with all this time I have, without feeling like I am wasting my life away, somehow.

(In case you hadn’t caught on, this is a cry for help.)

Ever since I could remember, the question I get asked most often when people find out my parents are artists is this: “Oh, so you paint, too?” And, while I am flattered that people think that artistic skills are automatically passed on to artists’ offspring, I have had to answer that question with a “no,” for more than two decades. All bias aside, I think my parents are good artists. They know how to render things in amazing detail, and they pick subjects that aren’t cheesy or pseudo-intellectual. They just paint beautiful things, and quite frankly, they do it pretty darn beautifully.

So, I don’t know what possessed me to try my hand at painting. I’m not particularly gifted artistically… I mean, I can put together a decent collage, and I left college with a fine arts degree. But that doesn’t mean that I can paint. I am twenty-one years old (BRB, crying) and I still cannot keep my colors within the lines (BRB, crying some more). Everything I touch—and I’m not even joking—ends up a mess. I can name artists, and come up with okay layouts and ideas, but when it comes to painting and drawing and crap like that, I’m not very good.

I’m not fishing here, okay. So, shush.

Anyway, because I am sometimes ambitious, I took a square, 3-foot canvas last Sunday and attempted what is ridiculously impossible for me. As if that weren’t silly enough, I picked a subject matter with a face (thankfully, they are asleep, so I don’t have to deal with making the eyes look not-dead) and also, spots. Kill. Me. Now.

I’m going to post some photos, and periodically, progress updates. Because I’ve learned that announcing stuff online makes it harder for someone (i.e. me) to back out of stuff.

Grid of death. I had to draw the darn deer using a grid.
And then I had to erase the grid because it would show through the paint.
Curses!

Eraser nub. My hands still hurt.
(I had to use three different ones.
Who knew pencil marks were so stubborn?)

Eraser dust.

My dad and his paintings. I am angry at him because they are pretty.

Me! Just because I’m going to get rid of my hair tomorrow.
This is here for, you know, posterity. Or whatever.

Anyway, I’ve since erased the damn grid, colored the background with the base (grey), and colored the deer with the base (yellow oxide). I’m not posting any photos of it yet, because it, quite literally, looks like a piece of turd in front of grey space.

Wish me luck and such! I am so going to need it. I foresee lots of angry Tweets and tears in the near future.

“I AM NOT A QUITTER.” — Carina Santos, 2010.