I think there’s this inexplicable void and angst attached to going to art school elsewhere, only because my own BFA experience left a lot to be desired. But that’s another story.

My only resolve really is to get better and to learn how to save. Honestly, I think I’m getting better at saving, so that’s good. I’m so far behind my financial goal, but I think panicking will make it worse, so I’m trying not to panic about money. That’s the worst thing to do. And, of course, blowing your cash the minute you get it. I remember finding out when I was younger that it is not a norm for kids my age to have their own savings accounts. (I thank my parents for planning for our financial future and habits, and for thinking ahead.)

Anyway, I’m just going to power through, I suppose. And build my body of work. Here’s my “collection” of work, so far:
 

http://carina-santos.com/

Not very impressive at the moment, but I think I’ll get there. I just have to spend time really evaluating my work. It’s so hard, because it’s something that’s close to my heart (and ego), but I know that unearthing the flaws and weak points in my work will eventually lead to a stronger style and better expression.

Anyway, just some weird life and future thoughts on a Saturday morning. The Field Notes giveaway will end tomorrow, by the way. Better get your last minute entries in!

I have successfully accomplished 4 out of 10 January Goals, which seems pretty pitiful, I guess.

Here are my February goals, with some of January’s goals carried over:

• Read 7 books
• Exercise 3 times a week
• Save 50% of paycheck
• Revive Maybe Very Happy
• Organization
        — Workspace
        — Room (Spring Cleaning)
• Start working on an exhibit for June
• Do branding for shop
• Work on online portfolio (Funnily enough, I did this in January)
        — Design business cards. Print them.
• Get better at film photography
        — Get the Nikon FM-2 fixed

I like doing monthly goals because I get to fine-tune my “progress” during the year. I know it’s kind of a dorky thing to do, but I like having a way to steer me towards the person I want to be. Or at least, some kind of accountability for my own goals.

Since my last post here, I’ve finished reading three books on my Kindle, namely J.R.R. Tolkien’s “The Hobbit” (a review of which can be found here), Sara Zarr’s “Story of a Girl,” and Julian Barnes’ “The Sense of an Ending,” all of which I love to pieces. Funnily enough, my busy self has found time to read—funnily enough, on a Kindle—but I suppose it’s Internet activity that has suffered a decline. Good thing or bad thing, you decide!

So far, I’ve been successful with four January goals, the four being Get two big projects, Work six hours a day, five days a week, Save 50% of my paycheck, and Write down all expenses. Begin budgeting. Obviously have not been exercising. I thought I had a good motivation, but I guess that’s not enough. I’ll try again, though. January is still young and there is still a lot of fat to be lost.

2012 has been exciting, to say the least. I’ll be exhibiting some more works for a group show next week (I’ll post the details as soon as I can) and also next week, I’m taking a trip to the mountains! This is exciting because I’ve always wanted to go exploring up north and also because I’ve just read “The Hobbit,” which still makes my heart ache in numerous places but has also somehow planted this weird seed of adventure in me. Seeing a little part of the world from a mountaintop would be a great start; I can’t wait!

Speaking of traveling—while it looks to be a year that’s full of traveling for me—I came upon this gorgeous list from the New York Times, 45 Places to Go to in 2012, and obviously I can’t possibly go to all of these places, but it’s a great reminder of what kind of adventure could lie behind your door. My mountain is not on this list; in fact, only two places are. But, I feel like it’s a start.

I’ve always loved traveling, but I think my sense of exploration and discovery has somehow been dulled. I like seeing different cities, but when I’m on the plane, from way high up, I always wonder what it’d be like to get lost in something other than buildings and metal structures and monuments and seas of people. I’ve been watching a lot of Survivor‘s past seasons lately, and behind all the scheming and starving, it’s such a beautiful peek into places around the world that I don’t know how I would find myself lost in.

Maybe that’s a romanticism of the wilderness, because I know there are all sorts of threats unimaginable if I chose to coop myself up in cities. But there’s also satiated wonder and an unmatched awe in the God that created these places.

I’ve always said that I wanted to see the world, and lately I’ve been thinking about which parts I want to see. Which parts I would gladly be uncomfortable for. I’ve been thinking about taking risks a lot, and I’ve realized that sometimes the greatest payouts come from the greatest risks. I don’t mean to sound like a cliché and announce my newfound lifestyle of being a daredevil explorer with a constant need for an adrenaline fix. What I want to say is that when I say I want to see the world, I mean that I want to really see all of it. Not just the manicured lawns, or the smooth roads, or some local iteration of Starbucks and McDonald’s. I still want to cities, yes. I want to see art and culture and different sorts of places, but I want to see the earth that was before everything started becoming what it is now.

The world is so big. I suppose I’ve got to get moving.

This year, I have decided not to make any resolutions, partly because I don’t follow them anyway. Rather, I thought about what my 2011 had been and thought about what I had learned and experienced, and how I could make my 2012 better. So, instead, I have GOALS.

My head is a muddle right now, so I don’t feel very comfortable sharing my big, long-term goals. I also believe in keeping some things secrets for the time being. Anyway, I’m copying an LJ friend who had been doing a monthly goals type of thing for a few years now.

Doing Monthly Goals instead of Yearly Resolutions is helpful because it gives you a chance to review your progress more closely and also to regroup after each month. Big, yearly resolutions are harder to keep track of, but I think it’s good to have overarching goals each year, to kind of direct you towards specific choices. Arriane actually does annual thematic overhauls, which I think is super interesting, but a little intimidating and overwhelming for a first timer like me. Maybe next year.

As for myself, here are my JANUARY GOALS:

• Read 7 books.
• Go on the treadmill at least 3 times a week. (I’ll explain later.)
• Get two big projects. YAY.
• Work six hours a day, five days a week. (Or a total of thirty hours a week.)
• Save 50% of each paycheck.
• Write down all expenses. Begin accounting.
• Mail out all pending packages.
• Fix/fine-tune Recovery.
• Writing project with Liana.
• Maybe revive Maybe Very Happy.

I am by no means an expert on the life and times of Ray and Charles Eames. All that I know about them by heart begins and ends with the iconic lounge chair and ottoman, and also the fact that they made movies. I am not an expert, and it’s a shame that I’ve only looked into their lives just now.

“Eames: The Architect and The Artist” came out on November 2011. Having only looked at this short trailer (still cannot find the film!), my heart has been roused into action. Truth be told, I’ve always wanted to be something remarkable—not in the way that people are remarkably famous or notorious of fame, really. Rather, I’ve come to realize that I wanted to be remarkable in the way that Charles and Ray Eames were. I just never quite understood how to do that.

It’s not really something you outright seek to do. I don’t think they did things so that they would be well-known, but that they became illustrious and indispensable because of the things that they did. That’s something I’ve thought about fairly frequently—how the “fame culture” today has been poisonous more than helpful—but that’s another story.

Now, I’m beginning to think that everything great begins with the relentless pursuit of solutions and beauty, without expecting the promise of success. It’s an unwavering desire to make things that make what exists better. I’ve often wondered why I don’t seem to be progressing as much as I thought I ought to, and it’s perhaps because I have been taking so many detours, big and small, but maybe it’s also because I don’t really think of what will propel the action. I do things with this tremendous pressure to have something to be good at, and not really for the purest motives of discovery and solution-making.

Another thing I admire from the Eameses is their partnership. There simply isn’t anything like it. Their lives and philosophies bled into their Venice Beach office, and it was so inspiring to see how the people they’ve worked with still light up when the Eameses come up. I can just imagine their energies being so tremendously contagious.

I was doing my Life Plan for 2012 and paused only to watch this trailer, but ended up being so encouraged by seeing how they were into so many things, were good at them, and did what they did with a genuine interest and spirit. I’m so driven to “excel” even more just because they have proven it possible, being armed with a sense of wonder and an understanding of things that work.

I think I gravitate towards the Eameses because they have imbued their work with a feeling of warmth and perhaps even love, not necessarily in their output but in their approach. They loved design, and so they were good at it. And just thinking about this, there is this weight that is lifted from me, which I got from examining the future and my 2012. My challenges are still there, of course, but it’s nice to see that it’s possible to get through them in a way that won’t destroy me.

2011 was ultimately a year in discovery. It began as a struggle in a sad, dark, and scary place where I lost a lot of things that meant a lot to me. Certain things that had to do with my job, my career, and my personal life didn’t work out so early in the year. It was a truly sad and disappointing beginning to what I had hoped to be a great year for me. A friend of a friend said that my 2011 ran like the story line of a T.V. show’s sophomoric season finale.

But the truly great thing about losing things is that it opens the door for something brighter.

2011 was filled with so many disappointments, from situations, people, and myself, but what I’ve come to take away from this wonderful year is that sometimes, I should learn to let go and let things unfold. I was talking with Isa about Ennaegram types and she said that my type tended to “exacerbate negative emotions,” and it was true. I’m a dweller and I know it, but I’ve learned that sometimes, it’s easier to try and not be one.

It was this year that I fell in love with food and with having a life less ordinary. I learned to love adventure and confronted myself with the real meaning of courage, bravery, and kindness. I had my first solo exhibit (and I’d like to think that I did pretty well). I shared with you 10 things I knew to be true.

I learned what real friendship was. I learned that it was possible to even have them at all.

2011 was the year when poetry helped me out when I was in a tight, hard-to-get-out-of spot. It was when I lost a dream and got it back. I had to let go of other dreams, too, and in what seemed to be a particularly hopeless place in my life, I learned how to be OK.

A number of times, I found myself thinking of stopping this (sometimes inane) public documentation of my life and my thoughts. You start to wonder what the point of all of this is. But, keeping this little space alive always wins out in the end. It’s nice to have a look back at what you have been through, no matter how shameful or arduous or sad. It reminds you of where you started out and how far along you’ve traveled. It’s proof of progress, or at least, a change in direction.

I’ve learned that sometimes, discovery is that recognition of what is already there. It’s taking a hold of a part of you that you never listened to before, and embracing it even though it might be scary or different. Someone said to me this year that a beautiful person is comfortable enough with himself to not be afraid of discovering new things about himself.

The explorers of the new world set out for their journeys despite all the “not knowing.” Venturing into the unknown is being open to getting shipwrecked, marooned on a desert island, or being hijacked by pirates, and then finding all of these risks worth it if it means a shot at getting to where you want to be. The thing is, no one ever discovered anything new without leaving the shore and setting sail into the unseen horizon.

In 2011, I took the plunge, I was honest with myself, and I suppose I will see in 2012 exactly where these discoveries will take me.

It’s been ten days since my first solo show opened, and I don’t know why it took so long for me to wrangle up the time to post pictures. I think I was hoping people would go instead of just look at photos on blogs (hehe), but I realize that not a lot of people have access to the North, just because it’s so far away from everything else. Except my own house. In any case, these are the pieces I ended up putting up for display.

It was such a great night. Thank you for everyone who dropped by and made it super special. Thanks also to people who talked, tweeted, and wrote about it. I hope to see you in future shows that I am hoping to have. Links to people who wrote about this because I am super happy and thankful:

• TAG ALONG/Nante on Status magazine’s blog.
• Manila Art Blogger/Trickie Lopa. Mostly on Kaloy Sanchez’s.
• Candy magazine online/Macy
• Young Star/Ralph Mendoza
• Living Asia Channel/Chui
• Pilar
• Kat
• Hunter and Hoarder/Barby

More photos of the works and opening night under the cut. Again, it’s up until December 31 at West Gallery. Hope you can drop by and take a look.

Nothing in this book is true.

This is how they were all laid out:

And then, of course, the people who came by to see:

Karen & Sarie.

Therese.

Gia and me (photo by Sarie)

Sarie and Gia.

Sarie and me.

KD Ukulele with me!

Sarie, Nash, me, Chard & Shinji.

Carina, Belle, Don, Chui, Jansen.

Liana, Leloy, Kat, Sarie, me.

Fambly! Me with my brother, our cousins, and my cousins’ babies.

Tito Simon, Ian, Sheryll, Tita Nene.

NAN IS SO CUTE! Also cute: Liana, Gia and Karen.

Best fraaaans, Barby & Isa.

photo by Sarie.

Talking with them, plus Leloy, Mara, Sarie and Enzo.

My brudder, Sarie, and me.

These nice girls from Ateneo passed by! It was such a pleasant surprise.

Me, Ling Quisumbing (who made this show) and Gus Albor.

Nilo Ilarde looking at my work. (♥!) I am such a big, dorky fan.
Some of his work: I Miss the 20th Century, Cube (curation), Painting as Something and as the Opposite of Something.

Me with Bembol dela Cruz (work here) and Rain Dial.

With Kamyl.

Kamyl & Kat.

My cousin’s baby, Iniko, who we fed some lemons.

Kathy, my brother Luis & Shine.

Belle, Chui, and Zean with Don…

… who solved a mystery.

More photos here. I wish I had a picture with everyone who went!

(I am not very good at this.)

In any case, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and while I haven’t really reached any definite sort of conclusion about anything—aside from I absolutely cannot dance and I like staying home and Sometimes you only realize you miss people when they are gone—I think I’ve reached, at least, leanings towards conclusions. Steps nearer them, anyway.

For example: I have learned that I do want to write, and make art, and step a tiny bit away from design, unless it’s something I believe in, or it’s something that is challenging, or fulfilling. Or if it facilitates growth. Often, my problem with designing has been that it doesn’t really make me want to do more of whatever it is I am doing. There have been some hits, but I think it mostly happens when I’m allowed to go about the project in my own way.

Chuck Close once said that inspiration is for amateurs, but I like being inspired by the work that I do, that’s all.

So, onto the pictures. I don’t have any pictures from the wake or the funeral, except for the ones I took with other people’s cameras, so let me tell you other stories instead. Last Tuesday, I had my first solo exhibit. It was exhilarating and scary and quite honestly, I get anxious whenever I think about it. Thankfully, a lot of people got to share this moment with me. I have this strange complex where I refrain from inviting people to things like this (also: birthdays) because of something that happened when I turned 7, but I am getting better at it. Thank you to everyone who took time and made the effort to trek all the way to our gallery. It meant a lot to me.

Except for this nonsense. (!)

CURSE YOUR SUDDEN BUT INEVITABLE BETRAYAL.

Then there was this party for Rogue’s 50th issue. There was no actual dancing involved, at least in our little group. I honestly think the Internet has spoiled me in terms of getting to know people. I don’t know if these things are constructed to be both a celebration and a networking opportunity, but if it is, I definitely failed at it.

We went to Draft, just a few skips away (we saw a giant rat the size of a tiny cat scurrying down the sidewalk) and had good conversation, which I think I am at least better at than Big Group Socializing.

Reading & Technology > Partying. Only because I don’t know how to do the latter properly. What do you do? I think we are watching a YouTube video here of some visual atrocity that is not to be named or linked. Unrelated: I often think about whether or not having 3G is actually good for me. Usually, the answer is yes, Carina, it is good for you.

Face Twins.

And then we had a Crack O’ Dawn Snack (i.e. Keema and Kababs), laughing at exposed buttcracks because we are mature.

So much has happened these past few days. I put up my own show, which was both gratifying and encouraging. I’ve been turning down heavy design jobs to consciously concentrate on making art. I still say yes to small projects, though as I’ve been running out of time but also having the time of my life. At least, in that aspect. Thank you to everyone who’s been supportive and, well, nice about my work. Warms the heart, it really does.

Lately, the difficulties of happily living a life in the way that I would like to have presented themselves to me, and in moments of blind panic, I just really shut down. It’s always dumb and irresponsible, but I am a wallower, so I wallow. I don’t want to be anymore, though. I used to think that there were situations that I absolutely couldn’t rise above and so, despite claiming to be a never give-upper, I have thrown the towel in countless times and pitied myself and I reveled in my sadness and lameness. I felt sorry for myself, and looking back, I honestly feel ashamed that I indulged in caring too much. I feel ashamed that I decided to not do anything about any of these things and just gave in to my melodramatic, despairing heart.

A lot of other things have happened, too.

My mom’s brother, Tito Dennis, passed away last Sunday. It wasn’t sudden, because the condition of his health wasn’t really a secret. But, Tara Maclay, in “The Body,” said of her mother’s death, “It’s always sudden.” It’s always going to be too soon.

More than mourning for his passing, I am sorry that I never made it a point to get to know him. We went to a couple of memorial services and it was so moving to hear how much of a great teacher, friend and colleague he was (he’s the Director of Computer Science and IT in Asia Pacific College). People loved him there. He was, in their words, a visionary.

It felt really sad to me that I couldn’t say anything much more than “he was always so nice to me” or “his smile always lit up the room” or “he loved his cars so much.” I’ll always be sorry that I never really got to know that side of him that people got to cherish. I don’t have a strong, particular memory with my uncle, and this makes me so sad.

I also feel ashamed that I have invested in people that shouldn’t really matter, but never got to know those who do. I have so many cousins and I never really got to know them as anything more than that. We don’t graduate from small talk, and this new, strange part of me really wants to be there for my family.

In any case, I’m glad that there are so many people who loved him while he was still here. I just hope he knew, in whatever little way I could express, that I loved him, too.

Hello! As I said in the last post, I’ll be having my first solo exhibit soon. It’s called Excavations from the End of the World, and I wanted to make you feel like rifling through the remnants of an apocalyptic event, like the last remaining archaeologist.

Douglas Adams ascribed a new meaning to ‘ahenny,’ which points to the way people stand when they look at other people’s bookshelves. I just wanted to mention that because it generates a certain image of the type of work I’m going to make, and how people will respond to them. At least in my head.

WHEN: December 6, 2011, 6pm.
WHERE: West Gallery, 48 West Avenue, Quezon City
MAP:

If you go, you’ll also see new work by my brother, Luis Santos, Frederick Sausa and Kaloy Sanchez. They are some of my favorite artists, no biases. I posted about Sausa’s and Sanchez’ work before. Also, I will feed you food and beer.

If you can’t make it to opening night, it’s still going to be up until the end of the year (December 31). Let me know if you’re going to pass by, so I can say hi!

Thanks for reading, and I hope I see you there!

Gallery hours are Monday-Saturday, 9am – 6pm.
Telephone: +63 2 411 0336
Fax: +63 2 411 9221
Email: info@westgallery.com

———

These are some of my old pieces, but they’re pretty close to the kind of work I’m making for this show:

From Manilart.

From a group show.