Sort of.

In 2005, The National released a song called “Mr. November,” which has grown to be such an important song to me, both musically (as it is a fantastic song) and also personally. For context, the chorus goes, “I won’t fuck this over, I’m Mr. November,” which sounds both re-assuring and slightly suspicious. This, to me, is sort of representational of that precise balance of uncertainty and faith, where you don’t actually know that you won’t screw things up, but you are sure that you are going to bend every possible way to make sure that you don’t.

2010 has been, to say the least, insane. I don’t even want to try and count the ways how, but I feel like I’ve blundered through most of the things that I’ve come face to face with, and have come out relatively unscathed, if only by lucky circumstance. And all this time, I’ve been talking about trying harder, when the fact of the matter is, I haven’t really been trying much at all. I think I have these weird phases where I am so gung-ho about making changes in my life that I think will make it better. But these turn out to be just thoughts collecting in my head, never really graduating from that. I am the kind of person who likes jumping into things—pushed by panic or excitement or both—and I think maybe it’s about time that I sit my ass down and really just concretely try to make situations better.

Since I don’t want to overwhelm myself into crippling paralysis (yet again), I’ve thought of different key aspects that I think will help me the most right now, and here are some goals I have for the end of November.

• Be a better worker. I surprise people when they find out about how lousy of an employee I am. I’ve always asserted that I really am not meant for jobs that have fixed, regular hours… but it doesn’t change the fact that I currently am employed and being paid for my time. It’s a matter that I’ve regrettably taken lightly in the past few months, but the first step to right this wrong got done today: I said ‘no’ to two exhibits I really wanted to go to, because they interfered with my job. Time to man up, I guess.
• Make time to make things! If there is anything about myself that I have learned about myself these last few months, it’s that I am a surprisingly laid-back person. So laid-back, in fact, that I haven’t really been so ‘diligent’ in making things. I’ve always regarded myself as someone who makes things (stories, art, etc.), and a lot of my self-fulfillment comes from the things that I do make, so it’s kind of weird that that’s been taking a backseat. I think it also has to do with my Internet usage, but I’m trying to control that. I think another thing I have been learning (and I’ve written about that here, kind of) is that things that matter really take time, and usually, I really have to actively make time for them.
• Take care of my health. Ha, kind of funny to see this actually written down. But yes. I haven’t been exercising (surprise!) or eating very well. I don’t even drink enough water everyday, and that’s like, the easiest thing to do as a human being. Anyway, I would elaborate on this, but I don’t think I’d want to see another unfulfilled promise glaring at me for the next month. I will try, though. In fact, after I post this entry, I will run for 15 minutes and eat a lunch that is not made of chocolate. And maybe drink some water.
• Catch up on my quiet time. Quiet time is the term my church uses for reading the Bible, praying, and generally just spending time with God. For the past few years, I have been trying to finish reading the Bible, but I always end up not pushing through midway through the Old Testament. I’m going to attempt to regroup and still try to finish by the end of the year. If anything, I just want to put this particular practice back into my life. Been feeling kind of lost, lately, and usually reading the Bible helped a lot with that.
• (Something more specific): Finish my painting. So, yes. It’s nearly done, but I really just want to finish it so I can move on to new works. It’s kind of ridiculous how long it has been taking me to finish it, but in my defense, I haven’t really touched it in maybe three months. (Not something I’m proud of, just trying to explain why it’s taking so long.)

I have a lot of other smaller goals in mind (fixing my finances/budget, fixing my room, fixing some situations that I don’t particularly want to get into), but these are good goals, for the meantime, I think. It’s funny how this month seems like it’s for damage control. The National have said that “Mr. November” is a song for Barack Obama, and recently, Obama has been quoted saying, “Lately I feel like somebody made a big mess and I’ve got my mop and I’m mopping the floor and the folks who made the mess are there (saying) ‘you’re not mopping fast enough. You’re not mopping the right way. It’s a socialist mop.’”

So, I’m basically cleaning up the messes that I have made as I shot through this year. It’s alright, though. I think I’ve been learning a lot along the way. Maybe.

And for good measure, another video of a live performance of Mr. November. It is one of my favorite performances, understandably. The bit at the beginning’s quite nice, too.

I won’t fuck this over.