Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight franchise is arguably the most popular young adult series in the market today. Anyone who argues this statement is an idiot. If you watch television, spend a considerable amount of time online, or go outdoors and talk to people, then you will have heard of Edward Cullen, a “vampire,” and his unmatched love story with Bella Swan — holy crap! — a mortal. Lots of stuff happens in between but that is the main idea and Meyer hammers that into her audience’s head time and time again.

I have not been a very big fan of Twilight. On the contrary, I’ve spent many a-time online devoted to its mockery. A week and a half after New Moon, the much-awaited Twilight sequel’s adaptation to film, opened here and I still had not been able to see it. Until 10:00 P.M. tonight, when the lure to mock the series intelligently was too great for me to ignore for another week.

In case you were interested, New Moon in a nutshell: loads of heavy breathing (not due to sexual activity), fast cars, glittery people with weird colored eyes, Jacob Black!, wolves!, sage advice completely ignored by Bella, and “intense” close-ups and slow-motion sequences chosen to convey several emotions… I’m just never sure what kind.

New Moon in an even smaller nutshell: Facepalm (but sounds good, man!)

In case you are still interested, The Unabridged Version of My Aversion To Twilight will be under the cut. To be fair, I do have some nice things to say about the movie. But, a word of warning, there’s not really a lot of nice things I can say about this movie. So, leave if you think you might be a little sentimental or protective of the characters in Meyer’s universe.

New Moon is, essentially, about how Edward Cullen realizes how he is endangering the life of the woman he loves and, in effect, decides to make her believe that she is not good enough for him. And then, he leaves her in the woods, promising never to show his face to her again.

Bella undergoes traumatic after-effects (nightmares, depression, self-alienation from her friends) and the life that Edward wanted her to have — “a normal, happy life” — is still evasive, since she is wallowing in her room, piteously, as the crafty cinematography shows how months pass in a continuous shot of Bella, unmoving in her chair, the seasons changing outside her window (to a very awesome song).

In the middle of everything, there is a realization that putting herself in any kind of danger is the only time that she can “see” Edward, in the form of visions, so she decides to enlist her friend Jacob Black’s help to refurbish two worn-out motorcycles she magically was able to salvage from a junkyard. The time they spend together causes sexual tension, during which Bella refers to her 18-year-old self as a “cougar” and rejects any sort of advancement Jacob extends towards her, despite the fact that he’d inadvertently been helping her cope with the loss of “the love of her life.”

Very early into the movie, Charlie Swan, Bella’s dad tells her a very important lesson (in life, and in this particular situation): “Sometimes, you gotta learn to love what’s good for you.” Charlie is actually one of the people Meyer has crafted that I can stand, and this is, honestly, very sage advice. Bella, however, throws it out of the window and fights the feelings she had been developing for Jacob, and when he gets rejected after what feels like a thousand times, he stops returning her calls.

Because she is selfish and needs Jacob in her life, she hunts him down, sees that he’s changed and that he seems to not want to be around her anymore. She gets herself into even more danger, gets rescued by Jacob Black (because he is awesome) and finds out about the truth about him and how exactly he has changed.

My favorite parts of the movie are actually the ones with all the werewolves in them. I am, admittedly, mostly drawn to broody types (Marcus Flutie, Jordan Catalano, Tim Riggins), but Edward Cullen broods himself to no end. At least Meyer got the metaphor right when it came to Jacob. In a scene that I am quite fond of, Bella tells him: “You’re warm. You’re like your own sun.” And maybe it’s a personal bias. I rooted for the Lycans in Underworld, and Remus Lupin is my favorite character in the Harry Potter series. But there is something in the way Meyer writes her vampires that makes me want to stab my eyes.

It’s a very complicated story with pointless twists and plotlines, and I can rant about the weaknesses of the Twilight saga and how it seems to totally ignore the mythology behind vampires, et cetera, et cetera. But I find that I am most bothered by the fact that instead of creating a powerful female figure, Meyer is trying to revive the helpless damsel who gets herself into trouble. All. The. Frakking. Time.

On the surface, she seems to have crafted the ideal, independent girl for the modern age: Bella does not like shopping and likes zombie flicks. She drives a truck and listens to “Claire de Lune” and she wears an olive green jacket two sizes too big for her, an oversized look which, if I can point out, was first done by Angela Chase and Lindsay Weir. The scene where Bella leaves the movies with her friend Jessica is constructed to make Jessica look vapid next to her, but instead it brought to my attention how insightful and intelligent Jessica is, as opposed to Bella, whose sole mission in life seems to be to get herself into trouble because that seems to be the only way to get Edward’s attention. At least Jessica was smart enough not to get on a motorcycle with some creeper in an alley, catcalling her.

What frustrates me more than the gross exchange between Edward and Bella (whose love seems to be founded on nothing, by the way) and the inexplicable advances, or lack thereof, of her relationships, is the fact that whatever seems the most sensible thing to do is always clear to everyone. Bella just happens to be set on doing what seems to be the opposite of what everyone thinks is right for her — for very stupid reasons.

I know there are grey areas and things are never really just right and wrong, but people like Joss Whedon and Russell T. Davies have been creating powerful female characters like Buffy Summers and Rose Tyler, and Stephenie Meyer seems intent on driving a stake through their hearts and killing them, in favor of such a weak and ridiculous character like Bella Swan. I don’t like the portrayal of vampires (no death by sunlight? By stake? No? Oh, okay) and I don’t like how stupid Edward and Bella’s “love” is, but my main issue is how Meyer has been effectively destroying the image of women, preaching really dumb ideas to her enormous fanbase. This is my main issue.

“I want to be like Bella Swan.” Who in their right mind would say that?

Things that I did like:

1. The soundtrack was obviously good.
2. Taylor Lautner turned out good. And also, every single one of the werewolves were hot. Paul was especially attractive.
3. They were mostly half-naked the entire time.
4. First time that I did not hate Rosalie.
5. Dakota Fanning was awesome.
6. The special effects improved from the first film.
7. Jacob Black!
8. Charlie Swan.
9. The change of setting was nice.
10. Jacob Black.

And so. I leave you with a few thoughts:

1. Bella, you are stupid.
2. Stop ignoring what everybody says!
3. I am afraid of the ideas this generation is getting from this saga.
4. Vampires burn in the sun and also die by stakes. Don’t create your own immortal beings, write off a few hundred years’ worth of culture and lore, and call them ‘vampires.’ Don’t be dumb.
5. I cannot wait for Breaking Dawn.
6. It makes me sad what she has in store for Jacob’s character. :(
7. How the frak was Taylor Lautner born in 1992?