(I played with the titles for this post, and jokingly thought of that 5ive song, but it’s stuck in my head now and I can’t think of anything else, so here we are.)
So, since the last post, I’ve moved houses. My flatmate, Laura, is moving back to Zürich, and we’d been meaning to look to move to a better area (but then, COVID) anyway. We’re both moving, just not to the same place. I live quite close to Mare Street Market now, which is an amazing area, but also there’s very little going on now (because, COVID), so you know. I anticipate it will be a bit nicer in the summer, too. I hope, I hope, I hope.
(I now live with a 33-year-old Spanish architect who teaches from home during the weekends. He is nice enough, but I think we’re both quiet people. The flat is split such that my room is the whole second floor, with the terrace, and his tiny room and home office is downstairs with the kitchen and bathroom, so we don’t run into each other that often either.)
Funnily enough, my new house is equidistant (in terms of walking time) to my studio as my old flat was. I can walk to Hackney Wick in 33 minutes, according to CityMapper, though I think I take quite a bit longer, since my strides are too small. I’d like to think I’m a quick walker, but that doesn’t mean I cover a lot of ground, lol.
It’s been hard to think about things other than the move, leading up to it, but now that the dust has settled quite a bit, I have room again to ponder on how absolutely shit I feel about my life and career. That’s an exaggeration, but there is still some truth to it. I don’t mean for it to be a pity party, at all, though I do have to wonder sometimes where I’m going wrong. Because it feels like I’m doing something wrong. Or that I’m not doing enough. Or that I’m doing too many things all at once. Who knows? I just know that I feel a little bit like shit when I think about my work too much, and when you’re constantly looking for work, there’s not much else to think about.
I think I am always half-expecting a rejection, which isn’t healthy, but setting yourself up to feel like you’ll get something and then failing to somehow feels a lot worse. Maybe I should start manifesting things. Maybe I should be a little bit more patient.
I’ve been teaching myself new things, though. I’m learning Python because why not? I’m still finding new techniques for knitting. I am going to try and sew up some of the fabrics I dyed recently into art or clothes or something like Jordan’s altar mats. I don’t know. Everything just feels like it’s up in the air. I feel like a fraud and a failure, and what’s worse is that I do try so hard. It’s a pretty disgusting feeling. It’s pretty shit to keep thinking about it, too.
I’ve been lucky in many ways, so it’s a bit gross to keep thinking about how things aren’t working out for me, when I’ve been so supported by so many people I love, respect, and admire. It’s just hard to not fall into that trap, but I’m trying to be positive.
Something that has been encouraging for me, though, is an interview I did with PJ Policarpio for Out of Print. I’ve known PJ for over 10 years. We met on Tumblr, of all places, and just sort of kept in touch. He’s a hero to me, and our chat really was personally uplifting to me in many ways, even though he perhaps didn’t realise it at the time.
I’m also working on The Yard, which is a shop I’ve been working on with my sister, Isabel (who just won the Uniqlo UT Grand Prix, which was held in collaboration with the Museum of Modern Fucking Art, thanks very much). I’m a little bit scared about it, because I’ve put it off for so long (much to her irritation, hehe), but you know…. consequences of my own actions, etc. etc. Anyway, it’s still exciting. It’s still something to look forward to. It’s something to work on while I try not to be consumed by being told “no,” anyway.
That’s what’s been up. Another depressing-ass life update from the corners of a rather nice life, tbh. In my defense, I do have depression, lol. But then, I guess, not everything I write has to be about that, either. Here’s to me trying. Again and again and again.