Dailies, Personal
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Life Lately No. 6

Thought I’d revive this update format last visited in 2015, which I feel is already very self-explanatory. (Yes? Okay.) In case you were wondering about my life for some reason, lol.

I am still working on my MRes (which is a research masters, but basically I say MA in conversation to keep things simple), but it’s all kind of self-motivated, so I don’t actually go to uni that much and work by myself a lot of the time. (I’ve worked extensively as a freelance writer and designer, so you’d think I’d have self-motivation in the bag. Alas, I do not.) It’s is kind of a weird set-up, since I liked being in school and having seminars so much, and those are what made things feel a bit more like a back-to-school thing, but I suppose that’s what happens when you’re an adult in school and have other things to worry about.

Speaking of other things, I have been working in retail for about seven months, and when I say it is a hellscape, I am very much not exaggerating. The Job Itself is Not That Bad, and I love a lot of my coworkers, but people really shit on you when you work in service industries, it seems like. It is BANANAS. I have thankfully not encountered anything overtly cruel — e.g. a friend works at a cinema and her coworkers have been told to “get an education,” since I guess jobs like ours don’t require brain juice?, and to “learn English” — but people can get really fucking awful and entitled when it comes to mass-produced clothing.

Basically, you’re not a person. You are a cog in a machine. And the machine is capitalism. I feel good that what we sell is at least nice. However, some patrons are not so nice. Also, it’s situated on a street that is very well-known for its shopping, so we get a lot of tourists who have some money (or, really, a lot of money) to burn.

It is not bad, but obviously not where I prefer to be, but again, it’s not bad. At least, it’s not the worst. But (again) obviously, it’s never really very smart to be somewhere or to be doing something just because “it’s not the worst.”

I’m trying to think of other ways to make money that doesn’t involve me selling my used underwear for some coin. So far, I’ve been looking for part-time and freelance work, and I’ve been applying to a few places, but it’s a challenge, because so are so many other great people who can a) work longer hours (my visa allows me 20 hours of work per week), and b) should it be for a full-time position in the future, don’t require a sponsorship from the employer.

I’ve been working on some small print things, and am trying to see if I can earn a little bit off of that. In case that’s of interest to any of you, my shop is here and I ship worldwide. I kind of feel a little funny plugging stuff, especially when it doesn’t come organically (i.e. a suffusion of enthusiasm! which is what happens when I don’t stop talking about something cool that brings me joy), but you know what? You can’t live off pride and shyness is what I’ve learned. Perhaps a late lesson, but a lesson nonetheless!

I think I’ve spent too much time on self-doubt instead of just making something. And when the paralysis hits, all I do is tune out and watch T.V. I don’t even really read all that much anymore, which is a shame, because now is the perfect time to be doing all of that. And I think, at the end of it, even if it doesn’t amount to whatever it is that I thought it would, I’d have made something and I’ll have something more than finishing a shitload of T.V. series to show for my time here.

Most days I just feel sort of useless, which deep, deep, deep down, I know isn’t true. But I still feel that way, and whether or not the sentiment is accurate, the feeling is still strong and vivid and there.

Most of the time, I don’t know what I’m doing or why I’m doing what I’ve chosen to do, but I don’t really like to think about that too much because it’s going to eat me up from the inside, and like I said, I’ve been thinking about how useless I feel a lot as it is. (For example, in the middle of writing this rather sad post about how much I feel worthless, lol, I’ve gotten two less-than-ideal responses to some things I’d applied to that said they went on to other people/applicants.)

On the upside, the sun has been out a lot more than usual. I don’t really like the heat all that much, but in England, when the sun is out, you get out of bed and go outside, even just for a little bit. And that little step out of your own little cave is sometimes good enough, at least for the day.