Today was particularly taxing for no particular reason, but I soon realized that I have been in a prolonged state of unease. Then, I realized, too, that my main way of coping when I’m angry (which has been happening a lot, but it’s probably because of high stress levels, and high sadness levels, and then mixed in with all the things you can’t control but wish you could) is to eat a lot.
And it made me think of the other methods I’ve employed to remedy my messy-self situation (and mind you, this isn’t actually a how to…), because, well, you can only eat so much.
- Further exacerbating the situation by thinking of other things beyond my scope of control.
- Playing Stardew Valley, because the pointlessness of being sometimes extends to fictional farming, especially when your gameplay has plateaued, which unfortunately is the case for me. But, like, at least my farmer knows when to sleep.
- Forcing my dogs into cuddles. Noah is a more easily persuaded candidate, if you can believe that.
- Watching trashy fantasy T.V.
- Watching YouTube until I feel so ill about the life and times of other people that I feel better. Or until I feel so woefully envious of other people that I pass out and/or kick my butt into action. (A much rarer occurrence, but it happens.)
- Naps-that-aren’t-really-naps because my body won’t give in to exhaustion when it’s paired with rage.
- Looking for things to buy online.
- Thinking about One Direction: This is Us, because rewatching it in my fragile state would be too sad.
- Thinking about all the things I ought to do because doing them feels impossible. Expertly skilled in avoidance.
- Cleaning small portions of my room while messing up the other already-clean portions.
I’m freaking out about so many things (on the inside), and sometimes, all I can think about is how much I don’t want to be anywhere.
(This sounds bad, but I’m fine, I’ll get through this swamp of shit, but it just takes a bit longer than I’d like sometimes. The only way to get through the bad stuff is to go through it.)