Dailies, Personal
comments 40

I’m a mess, but that’s okay:

AKA, this is not a cry for help, just a little bit of honesty

I get low-key anxiety whenever I think of a new blog post for some reason, so I’m going to backtrack and do what I used to do on LiveJournal, when my blogging and storytelling were ~quality~ (I’m using the sarcasm font, keep up!)

Ahem.

Obviously a lot has happened since my last post, and even on the days in between. I saw this post on Tumblr that kind of described where I am at this point of my life:

CKQTyfyUMAAhyYe

There’s a lot of sifting through of thoughts and feelings and deciding which ones are “okay” to share with the general public. I came from a time when nerd-ass losers like myself (no offense) were the only ones with blogs, really, and no one talked about the blogs in real life. No one actually really ever talked about the internet unless it was about looking stuff up or chatting with strangers or stealing music.

And people with blogs and personal websites just said whatever they wanted without fear of judgment or of a future where strangers will pull up old dumb stuff you said and wave it around your face as proof that you’re a terrible person. That hasn’t happened to me, really—thank God—but it happens.

Anyway, my point to this ultra long tangent is that people like me, who are used to writing in blogs in a very candid manner, have a somewhat hard time assimilating to the blogging culture at large right now. (This wasn’t something I was planning on writing about, by the way.) I don’t want to blog the way people seem to expect bloggers to. When someone asks me what my blog is about, I say “Personal” ending it with the raised lilt of a question because who the fuck would care about my personal blog?

But anyway. Anyway. I guess my point is that I can’t really say anything without thinking anymore, but it’s hard to think of what to say instead. So, hi!

hi
This is my face, taken by Sarie at the opening of You Are Here at Vinyl on Vinyl

I’ve breached the topic of me feeling a little bit “meh,” to put it eloquently, and I’ve been trying to do a bunch of things to help me get out of this funk. After consuming an insane amount of fanfic, I found myself really hard-pressed to finish books. I’ve had to treat it like homework, honestly, but I’m hoping this method makes it easier for me to absorb and process information. I don’t blame it on fanfic, really. I think my state of mind is currently nestled in a “leave me alone in my comfort” state and I have to kick it sometimes because that’s not healthy. Or it’s not what I want, anyway.

I’ve also been trying to draw and paint. Here are my last three Hobonichi pages:
Hobonichi-July18-19
L: Ant-Man, YSProm, breakfast by the sea, etc. R: Advil, a scene from Carly Rae Jepsen’s MV for “Run Away With Me”

Hobonichi - July20
A scene from Steven Universe, Oolong tea and the book I’m chewing on currently

It’s kind of weird, but I feel way more immature—in terms of responsibility, finances, etc—now than I’m 26 than when I was in college. Emotional/mental health is a different question altogether, so let’s skip that.


Anyway, here’s a nice photo of me reading by the sea, photo taken by my sister. I don’t really have a lot of long days that I can’t skip out on when I need to, but it felt nice to be away for a while. I wish it was a longer vacation. I just wanted to read and paint and eat.

cousins

We ended up watching my cousin’s play, Saturday Night Fever, and he played Bobby C. He was amazing, I’m very proud of him. I always wondered what it would be like to have some type of performing arts be my life’s passion. It seems like a hard dream to follow, but maybe it’s because it’s not my dream.

For those asking for the video to me singing/playing the uke, here’s a short, LQ one I shot with Photobooth. This is just for fun, don’t fight me:

Friendly reminder that people are allowed to be bad at stuff they enjoy.

Rainbowcake
Anyway. Sometimes there’s rainbow cake, so life’s a little bit easier to handle. I did manage to eat this big-ass slice by myself, in one sitting and promptly took a very soothing nap.

  • I know it may seem a little cliche (or repetitive? idk lol) for me to say that I feel the exact same way you do when it comes to blogging. The time when the pool of bloggers were just people who spent too much time on the internet and it wasn’t that open IRL yet (obviously you explain it better than I do.. your writing!! it’s so great). This is why I don’t tell IRL people I have a blog and its contents aren’t searchable through search engines. Heeeeeeee.

    This, particularly, hit me like a hammer on the head because I am the exact same, although a year older.

    It’s kind of weird, but I feel way more immature—in terms of responsibility, finances, etc—now than I’m 26 than when I was in college. Emotional/mental health is a different question altogether, so let’s skip that.

    I do feel a little better that someone (I’m sure many, but just lack of will or eloquence to portray it like you did here) is also on the same fence with me about this whole personal blogging thing.

    • Hiya, thanks so much for the comment. Haha. I don’t mind if people know, I guess, but it’s just v. different haha. I think it’s just a matter of knowing what’s OK to share (for you, in the long run…) and what’s probably better kept in the realm of real-life conversations and journals.

  • Honest and raw. I like it. Just because you’re not spouting rainbows doesn’t really mean something is wrong tho. There’s definitely an issue with blogging as it is currently. It seems like the audience has such high expectations for bloggers to sell products- including themselves. I certainly enjoy the older ghost-readable blogs that got way too personal and even sometimes a bit embarrassingly silly.

    • Haha to be honest, I’m in a place where I don’t wanna care about the “blogging landscape.” If that’s what you [general ‘you,’ not ‘you, Tellie’] want to do, go ahead. I’m just going to be here and talk about weird life stuff, I guess. Haha. I’m the same with YouTube, I don’t like it when they’re overly produced, etc.

  • I miss the LJ days when I felt more FREE to express whatever I wanted. Like you, I feel like I’m in a blogging limbo. And I just don’t like where general blogs are going these days (fashion, style, etc.) – a superficial world. I liked it better when people were more honest, more authentic. So I feel you!!

    Anyway, HAPPY to see you using the Hema pens a lot! I love them toooo! <3

    • Yeah! I think we just have to do what we wanna do! Hard to remember how lang, for me, when a lot of the blogs I read are so aware of an audience/written that way.

      <3!!

  • People are allowed to be bad at the stuff they enjoy !!! Too bad I’m good at everything JK labyu.

    • HAHAHA it true tho. Labyu thuperduper <3

  • I just wanted to read and paint and eat. –Me too! LOL!

    Love this blog of yours aside from the beauty one. :)

  • “I don’t want to blog the way people seem to expect bloggers to.”
    Dis. D: Hugs and good vibes!

    At ang cute mo sa uke Carina! Haha. Moar!

    • Hahaha lettuce resist!! I’m gonna try, my voice is funny lol

      P.S. So happy for youuuu <3

  • Drea

    I like your version! :) Also, because of your previous posts, Kate and I have been listening to 1D’s latest album. We love Girl Almighty! Thanks for the reco, (we love Carly Rae’s latest album too btw haha). :) I love playing my uke too and for some reason I always smile while playing it, I can’t help it, it gives me a happy haha. It was previously owned by my lolo and Kate and I are seriously considering writing and illustrating a children’s book about the magic ukulele, heh.

    I miss lj, actually, but IG is making my short-attention span become even shorter (no offense, IG, i love you IG). I can’t stand uploading to photobucket and relinking each photo nowadays, and I’m trying to train myself to blog in my wordpress because I easily forget things. Or journal, because I love my journals. Love your journal pages too! :)

    • HAHA thank you! Anyway, yay I’m so glad. I love FOUR. It’s the easiest to get into, I think, if you’re not into pop that much. Haha I love EMOTION a lot, too, so I’m glad you like!

      What songs do you play? :) I think you should go for that book! :D

      Gets ko rin! I think it’s a matter of editing down pics to a manageable/sharable size haha. Thank you so much. I miss journaling :)

      • Drea

        I’m seriously considering doing a #10daysofCarly using brush calligraphy haha. I learned the four “power chords” which can be used to play almost all the songs (which I now conveniently forgot by name but I’ll remember it when there’s a uke in front of me!) so I do mashups of BOY’s Little Numbers (super fave!), some Bob Marley songs (because I never outgrew my reggae phase) and the occasional “One Day” haha kase I like how it sounds like. :) I learned using BOY’s Little Numbers though! I also learned using that Somewhere over the rainbow mashup because why not and I like playing Midnight Cowboy. Riptide is fun too. And Let It Be! haha
        :) Sorry ang daldal ko. I’m not really good at it (I posted IG vids dati loll blackmail material) but I really enjoy playing it. Kate’s so much better at me so sometimes I bully her into playing so I can just sing along and fulfill my “singer” dreams LOL.

        Carinaaa let’s form a local illustrated journal club hahaha parang ang saya you meet up tapos you draw tapos you have prompts every week or something haha. Just a thought. Or maybe just the prompts part if you’re into that sort of thing. I read Gretchen Rubin’s latest book about habits “Better Than Before” and I learned from there that I’m an obliger. The type of person who enjoys accountability–if I tell my friends I’m doing something, I’m more likely to follow through with it than if I kept it to myself. I also learned that I like doing things in a group (a small manageable group) and that I can only last with 10-day challenges (I couldn’t finish the 100-day challenge since I’m easily bored and distracted lol). You might want to check that book out, btw.

        I actually like reading my past lj posts and feeling nostalgic about our fast internet at home and how my life was before instagram haha. Meaning I had more time to blog. :))

        • Do it!! Hehe. What are the power chords? I keep seeing G, C, F, and Am. Sometimes Em. I saw that Somewhere Over the Rainbow mashup also! If you’re talking about the one with What a Wonderful World, that is. :) IDK! I think it’s good to not feel compelled to be good at everything you enjoy. Kinda sucks away the joy when what you end up focusing on is getting stuff perfect, I think anyway.

          HAHA tara, let’s set it up! I love snooping inside journals, so I’m game for dis hehe. I like the thought of a group lang for sharing (kinda like jr__nal on LJ), with like the prompts as suggestions but not really a core part of it? Does that make sense? LOL I think I reached Day 6 lang of the 100 Day Project.

          • Drea

            I think those four! Sorry di ko talaga kabisado lol :) You can play a lot of songs by Stars (Midnight cowboy, elevator love letter, etc.) just by using those four! Some Noah and the Whale too. :)

            I really mss jr_nal! An illustrated art journal where anything goes just as long as there are prompts you can use to guide you? Or not, whatever is convenient. Let’s discuss it via email? Mine is rainbowrama@gmail.com. Let me know what you think! I also love journal snoopage lol. Or maybe we can think of a hashtag and just use that every time? Like #journalpeekPH or something? :) So excited about this! Let me know your thoughts. :)

  • themorninglight

    Yours is the only blog I read these days, tbh. Please keep being you and writing the way you do; there’s a way you affect the world that only you can.

    Love you!

    • HIHI I’M HONORED <3 I'll try! It's hard because I get so distracted by everything and second-guess everything haha.

      Love you Badees

  • Lea Bolante

    CARINAAAAAAAA D: Huhuhu here’s a hug! >:DDDDD<

    • Hi Lea, thank youuu, hug back :)

  • isabelbayani

    huhuhaha this entry! there’s not much I can say anymore except that I can relate to and agree to almost everything. Thank you for letting me know I’m not the only one feeling this way.

    • Aw, thank you for letting me know! Let’s try to be ourselves more, yeah? :)

  • I don’t think I ever moved very far from the livejournal-esq days of sprouting my thoughts in terrible fashion, I think so me, I don’t really have to either. I thrive off of candid, the raw and honest, and I struggle to see why people would hide those pieces of their personality.
    I’m also 26, and feel as though I’m maybe not reaching my potential, and the reduce responsibility. It’s a strange time.
    Annd, I love ‘you don’t have to be good at the things you enjoy’.
    Basically, this post resonated with me.

    • That’s good. :) A lot of the blogs I read started to transition into a more lucrative type of blog, I guess. Like I think I started to go that way, too, but it honestly gets a little bit uninteresting to do, I guess. And yeah, I love rawness and candidness, too. I think whenever I like a personality or celebrity or whatever, there’s always this part of me that really wants to know what they’re like removed from their um, manicured and deliberate personas. So I guess that kind of explains why I like really really personal blogs :) I guess!!

      Haha I know what you mean, and when I think about it, I also have to consider for some reason if maybe I’m putting unnecessary pressure on myself to “reach my potential” or “be better” as though there’s some sort of deadline or something. IDK! Just thinking aloud :)

      Thank you so much for the lovely comment, I really appreciate it.

  • Friendly reminder that people are allowed to be bad at stuff they enjoy.

    YESSSS

  • Friendly reminder that people are allowed to be bad at stuff they enjoy. —YESSSS. Also ang cute mo talaga. More 1D uke covers pls! :D

    • Yay Elaine :) Hahaha sige I will post when I can play one without pausing, ang saya :D

  • I don’t know how to blog anymore either. And it takes so long before I actually do post something because I’m constantly screening myself. It’s become more of a “will people like this post?” kind of thing, more than “I feel/think this way and let me write about it”.

    Yours is still one of the most refreshing, honest blogs out there, though, and I hope you keep on writing the way you do! :)

    • LOL IDK why it got so weird?? I know what you mean, like I keep WANTING to post, but it’s like I don’t really know what to write and I just click out hehe. But there, we blog what we want! I’m kind of really okay without a theme for this blog :)

      Thank you so much, Tina! <3

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  • Friendly reminder that nothingspaces is my favorite blog for 3? 4? years now. Idk. Yours is how I will always remember and think how blogs should be. Just keep talking and sharing and whatever that is you feel like doing on your blog pls.

    • AHHH you’re so nice! :’) Thank you <3

  • OMG Why are we in this crisis? I thought quarter life crisis is over at 25, but here we are (I’m 28), I feel immature but at the same time I kind of crave just letting go of responsibiliies from time to time. I was a stickler for rules and was such an idealist waaaay back in college, so when things go out of control, I just tell myself: let me live. But I’m still scared shit.

    Anyway, this post is oozing with honesty and I like it a lot. Also, you playing the ukulele and rambling on about in the beginning was v.v.cute!

    • Haha I guess the trick is finding balance? IDK, what do I know. Thanks, Patty!

  • Ahh yes! You always get it, Carina :) I’ve been blogging on and off since college (10 yrs ago) because I’ve been always scared of the idea that people will discover my blog (with mostly just my thoughts and talking about things that get me excited — no matter how mundane they were/are) and will use it against me. I only had the confidence to put up my real (first) name in my blog and tweet blog post links around 2 years ago.

    I always go back to this blog ever since I found it because you always seem to put into writing the things I usually cannot convey on my own. So, thank you for staying real! :)

    ETA: Btw, you are so cute in your uke video!! Also funny with all the disclaimers haha.

    • Aww, I appreciate that a lot April, thank you. :) At some point, I think I realized that a) I shouldn’t really care what jerks think of me, and b) I probably think of people thinking shit about me more than it actually happens, so here we are. Haha. Go you! :)

      ETA: lol thanks! Just covering all my bases.

  • pedxing

    “Anyway, my point to this ultra long tangent is that people like me, who are used to writing in blogs in a very candid manner, have a somewhat hard time assimilating to the blogging culture at large right now.”——> I totally agree with this. I used to write almost about anything in my previous blogs [RIP Friendster blog multiply blog :”( I am in the process of learning how to do it (blogging) again like ‘no one’s watching’. I miss the days when people blog to say something and not just to come up with something to gather blogstats. Personal blogs are my favorite because it’s the ragtag of things that make it interesting which leads me to say that I’ve been reading nothingspaces.com since 2010, hehe. It’s my go-to blog. :)

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