Personal
comments 14

Lost

I don’t tend to write the more “personal” things here because a) it kind of dawned on me in the last few years that public spaces on the Internet are public to the entire world (depending on your office firewall, har har), and b) I don’t want my personal business to be anybody else’s business but mine, which is what tends to happen when people share even a miniscule detail about their lives. Just because I share something I think or feel, it doesn’t mean that I want to share more about it… Blogs are often receptacles for my thoughts and feelings, so I hate it when people pry too much because I very rarely like talking about deeply personal things. So, I’ve resorted to vague, abstract versions of white-hot feelings on this space, which makes me hate it a little bit because then it sort of stopped feeling like it was mine.

I admire people who air everything out in the open, but unfortunately, I am a person who cares about what people think of her. Perhaps a little bit too much, which is something I’d like to change about myself. Here’s a step towards not caring and also towards possibly being O.K. with who I’m turning out to be.

lost

I’ll be turning 26 at the end of the month, and I sometimes feel like I’m not doing enough. This is pretty much a constant feeling, and even though I sometimes have actual output to prove otherwise, I feel like I’m not doing enough, by which I simply mean, I’m not doing as much as I could be. Life feels like it’s out of my depth, and I don’t know how to begin to navigate if I’m drowning.

It’s never healthy to compare, but that’s what I’ve been doing for who knows how long, and before I knew it, all these feelings of doubt and inadequacy have nested inside me. And you know what? Those feelings are freaking hard to get rid of and hard to get over. I am not the most motivated person in the world, and it is a constant battle to talk yourself out of giving up and settling for something you know you don’t want. Sometimes, giving yourself pep talks that you don’t listen to (?? !!) gets a little tiring. I know success and fulfillment mean different things to different people, and I think about if I’d be happy just being a good person, etc. etc. and right now, I’m not quite sure if that’s enough for me to feel like I’m doing my best or living the best version of my life that I could be.

I’ve spoken and written and whined about feeling stuck before, and part of me feels like my unconscious decision to revert to inaction is partly due to this comfortable paralysis. The fear of everything that comes with trying takes root in your heart and makes you just not want to do things. And when you spend enough time not doing anything, you kind of lose your bearings and forget where you are and where you want to go.

Right now, the view up ahead is a little foggy and I’m honestly really scared of the future—both on a personal level and on a global, catastrophic level—because if I don’t know where I want to go, how do I start walking towards it?

  • I randomly found your post on Bloglovin’ and find this to be very relatable to how I’m feeling right now, especially on how we are not very motivated people who are stuck in a comfortable paralysis. Thank you for being open enough to share this to the world – by reading this, it’s giving me a little push to find something that I want to do, rather than just be stuck in something that I am somewhat satisfied with just for its convenience.

    http://peeintothewind.tumblr.com

    • Carina

      Aw, Cindy! I’m so happy that you clicked and commented (I love your URL!), and that it gave you a little nudge, like how admitting it to myself pushed me a teeny bit into a direction, at the very least. We can do this!

  • Remember just how wonderful it is to be here at all so just enjoy the little things, don’t worry about the destination, it’s all about the journey:)

    • Carina

      Ha, thanks for the reminder. I think I am quite uneasy with the journey when the destination remains fuzzy, but I will keep that in mind. :)

  • I know this doesn’t work for everyone, but two years ago I decided to stop planning my life. Before that decision, I was constantly worried about not achieving enough and not doing anything, but it was messing with my head and making me physically ill.

    I’m not a bastion of peace and bliss now, but I think letting things happen and accepting that I don’t have to be “super” by anyone’s standards gave me some breathing room. I look back now and realize that I did get stuff done in the last two years, achieved some minor things that I was aiming for, and that so far everything’s okay. Not super, but okay, and that’s alright.

    • Carina

      I know what you mean… and maybe I really should stop overthinking. I actually plan A LOT but I don’t follow through because a lot of the processes to get “what I want” stresses me out. But you’re probably right. Just keep things moving, I guess! Thank you for the comment, I really appreciate it.

  • Claudia

    Totally feeling you there! I’m at that age where there are a lot of uncertainties… there are 25 year olds working retail, there are 25 year olds getting more degrees and there are 25 year old who own businesses or just generally have kick-ass jobs… and it’s really really hard (see: impossible) to not compare my situation (unemployed uni grad) to those who have the kinds of lives/jobs that I would like… BLAH! And I just feel like I’m not doing enough (although in my case, I probably actually am not…) and feel quite useless a lot of the time, even though I KNOW that Im very smart and have a lot to offer the world, so it gets very frustrating. But I am working hard to change that particular outlook on life (actually, I am trying to go about this thinking What Would My Friend X Do?), and it seems to be helping a lot to take that approach. (It involves trying to not compare yourself to anyone at all, be a really good person in general and just really Try Your Best at everything, including official work, your own work, and play. It also involves going with the flow, and like Krysty says, not planning your life more then you really need to.)

    • Carina

      I think it’s also because we see these comparisons as OTHER options and we always have this strange feeling that we’re missing out on something better… I can’t articulate it well, and while what I just said is valid, that’s not what I’m currently feeling. I just feel frustrated with myself, I think, because I thought I would be somewhere else right now.

      It’s OK. :) I think it’s perfectly normal to take some time trying to acclimate to a new environment. I hope you are doing everything you feel like doing or trying, even though you are not happy with your work situation currently.

  • I’ve always admired you for being able to put these thoughts and feelings into words, and even more for posting them. It takes gorgeous brass balls to do so, and “comfortable paralysis” encapsulates everything I’ve found frustrating in the past few years. <3

    I'm glad you're still in search of a destination. You'll get there. :)

    • Carina

      Thank you so much for this comment, Cindy, and I’m sorry it took me so long to reply to it. I wish we had been able to meet while I was there! Perhaps another day. <3

  • Hi Carina! :)

    I don’t intend to celebrate your frustrations in life as of the moment, but reading posts like these makes me a little relieved that I am not the only one treading water at the age of 27. I’d also like to say that although you have decided to not post too personal details about you, I still enjoy reading your current state of mind like this one :)

    • Carina

      Thank you so much, April. :) I always feel like maybe it’s better to not just give a fuck what people think and post what I want, but then I realize that there are things that I really don’t want to post about, regardless of what people think or say… so I’m erring on the side of caution, haha.

  • I’ve been following your endeavors on the internet for a while now, but I rarely comment because I’m shy. I wanted to comment on this because, I swear, every time you make personal posts similar to this I’m like THAT’S ME. I actually posted about it a few weeks ago but then made it private because I regretted letting people in so deep. I find it weird that there’s another person out there who experiences the same feelings, problems and doubts, but it’s probably not weird at all and super common. I guess it’s also mildly comforting, at least for a few minutes, because then I remember that you still are way more accomplished than me even if you feel like this. Comparison, always present. I don’t think there’s a point to this comment, but I hope we both find our way out of this stuckness.

    • Carina

      Aw, thank you for leaving a comment anyway. :) I’m rooting for you!